Rating: ANSEM as of today. Rating-details are in part 1, but this part introduces the complete and utter character-mutilation of Larxene. We'll get to her in a minute to see why this fully deserves the Ansem.
Special Possessions (if any): A pink fluffy “girly” pillow, a bottle, a “straw basket full of jars of paint, brushes and paper”, a yellow painter's suit, a bath house (?!), yellow floaties, pink glittery shampoo, light blue soap, a baby wipe, baby lotion, baby powder, “yellow diaper rubber pants” (whut?), a tv with a show that has “sock puppets singing and dancing the alphabet”. Note that like 95% of these things were produced by LARXENE OF ALL PEOPLE. Yes, Larxene.
Also featuring as of now: Larxene's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGSTY PAST and... “a small heartbeat”. What.
Sporking Crew: Axel, Larxene, Marluxia, Vexen and Zexion.
I Say/Notes: ...if I can protect one person, ONE SINGLE PERSON, from suffering brain-scarring from this fic, then I should officially be promoted to sainthood or a reasonable equivalent thereof in every major world religion. All of my sins, past, present and future, will be abolished and I shall move on to heaven regardless of what else I do in life. This is how bad the fic just got.
In unrelated news, SPORKING CROSSOVER CONTINUITY! That is all.
Unrelated unrelated news, yes, I know it took me forever and five days to finish this part. This is because my sporking-muse took a look at this thing and committed seppuku.
In more unrelated news, sorry if I screw up on the formatting somewhere. LJ HATES me and insists on moving the post-box-thingy around so I won't be able to see what I'm actually doing.
PART UNE, or "Why Zexion Should Never Have Free Time, Ever".
PART DEUX, or "How Is Roxas Not Dead Yet?!".
PART TROIS, or "Larxene Gets A Wangsty Dark And Troubled Past".
PART QUATRE, or "Axel, Demyx and Xigbar Play With Their 'My Little Roxas' Doll".
Note: Updates shall be posted on Dreamwidth. I won't be updating the previous parts on LJ anymore, so go over there for the rest of this spork whenever I manage to update this.
Ye Olde Sporkinge Theatre is back again, bringing you a fic! Our designated protagonists are back again, and Vexen and Marluxia are looking the worse for wear.
Vexen: Someone remind me why I put up with the rest of you again?
Zexion: The better question is why we put up with you after what you did.
Marluxia: You say that like you wouldn't have done the exact same thing.
Larxene: You could have told the rest of us it was going to suck. We could have gotten the others to spork this instead and we'd all be out of there before they knew what hit them.
Marluxia: Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to save your own skin.
Larxene: See if your skin stays that way now that I know what you did.
Axel: Hey, guys? Not to interrupt your catfights, but has anyone seen Roxas?
Axel: I've checked, but I can't find him anywhere.
[Working on it. Give us a sec.]
Zexion: *Suspicious.* Why “working on it”?
[...well, I can't find him.]
[I can't find him. At all. My only guess is that someone warned him about today.]
Vexen: ...I'm getting the feeling my coffee was not nearly Irish enough for this.
Chapter 7: Truth
Zexion: This is actually a really thought-out trollfic?
Marluxia: If only.
After twenty minutes of him trying to escape and banging his head on the pink fluffy girly pillow Larxene came out of the dark shadow while holding a bottle of warm milk in her right hand.
Larxene: ...oh. Oh, hell. What is this?
Marluxia: ...I believe this is my cue to sit elsewhere. *Seats self next to Axel instead of Larxene, picking the lesser of two evils.*
"Look Roxas I don't like this as much as you do but it's for science…and…bla, bla, bla…"
"IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?"
Axel: *Larxene.* THE AUTHOR SAYS SO!
Zexion: Clearly Larxene is the kind of Nobody who would follow orders without question.
Larxene: I'm considering that a compliment.
She stopped for a moment and said in a sad depressing voice:
"…In my other life I had a baby…"
Others: *Baaacking away...*
Roxas was stunned as he looked at her never saw this side of her.
Vexen: Trust me, we didn't want to, either.
"…His name was Kyle…he was only five weeks old…"
Nerviest to death and nearly swallowing his tongue he worked up the courage to ask:
"What happened to him?"
Marluxia: Crib death?
Vexen: Plot device?
Zexion: Unspecified excuse for wangst?
Axel: Giant space flea out of nowhere?
"…Darkness came out of nowhere one day in my hometown and swallowed everything in it's path…
Zexion: ...or that.
Axel: I say I got closest.
everyone ran screaming, trying to get away…my other life tried to save the baby…but I'm not sure if he lived…when I awoke the organization took me in…and I was reborn…"
Larxene: .................. *Twitch.*
"…I don't know if he survived or not…but if he did…will I'll be the mother…?"
She puts her head down and started to cry a little.
Larxene: ...I am not happy about this.
Others: *Double-check their Round Block.*
"…Larxene… I'm so sorry that happened to you…"
Roxas understood now.
Vexen: Excellent. Mind sharing this insight with the rest of the class?
The reason why she didn't want to baby him was because it brought back old memories of that day and using her mean attitude was a cover up to hide how she really felt.
Zexion: ...on second thought, never mind. You can just keep your thoughts to yourself.
Marluxia: Characterisation: D; Very Poor. See me after class.
"…The milk is getting cold Larxene…"
She quickly lifts her head up.
Vexen: Where did the sentence go?
Axel: That is the sentence, Vexen.
Larxene: The player character just entrered my line of sight. I'm about to start a Pokémon battle.
Zexion: Maybe she found a hidden puzzle.
"…Isn't that why you came up here…?...To feed me…?"
She nodded with a small smile.
"Well let's get started."
Roxas said with a big smile.
Marluxia: It's not until later that he realises he should have been more suspicious about that almond taste to the milk.
Vexen: Willing the fic into proper characterisation isn't going to work, you know. Even tried. By the gods, Even tried.
Marluxia: *Points towards Larxene.*
Larxene: *On slow boil.*
Zexion: ...Perhaps we can gather some more research data. By all means continue.
SNIP where Larxene feeds, burps and tucks in “Kyle-I MEAN ROXAS!”
"…I'll see you later on then…"
She opened up another dark shadow and just about when she was about to leave a small child calling out to her:
"I love you mommy."
Axel: *Facepalm.* Roxas, you idiot...
She quickly turns around but the darkness covered everything as she disappears into the shadows.
Suddenly a small heartbeat came from her chest.
All: ...what the fuck?!
Larxene: ...when Roxas gets in here, I'm going to strangle him with my bare hands for not suffering here with us.
Zexion: I wonder where he got the script, though. After the last spork, we made sure to keep everyone away from it.
But it quickly faded away.
Chapter 8: Bath Time
Larxene: ...if this is happening, I am out of here.
Marluxia: If this is happening, I'm not stopping you.
Roxas lied in his crib staring at the ceiling thinking:
"Larxene went through so much and I didn't even know. Also normal hearts are made when babies are born, so this might be a way to get a heart."
Vexen: ... *HeadWALL.*
She held in her left hand a straw basket full of jars of paint, brushes and paper while in her right hand a thin plastic green mat.
"…Um…I thought this will be fun to do."
Larxene: ...FUCKING PAINTING. *Head in hands.*
"Its looks like fun- mean goo-goo!"
She sat up the mat on the ground along with the art supplies.
"Now before we begin we have to change you out of those clothes."
Vexen: What is it now?
Axel: How come that when fic-me is stripping Roxas it's fucking creepy, but it's A-OKAY when it's fic-Larxene doing it?!
Zexion: That's because Larxene thinks of Roxas as a replacement goldfish, remember?
Marluxia: *Facepalm.* Don't remind us.
Doo-dee-doo, they're painting pictures for a bit when Larxene decides they need to take a bath, So on we go! ...wait whut.
Luckily she passed everyone in the castle to the baths outside in the huge garden.
Vexen: We have those?
Larxene: Oh, right, you were the first to die, so you didn't get to see them.
Vexen: *Death glare.*
Zexion: Vexen, you do know she's just gauding you, don't you?
Marluxia: *Whispers.* Let her. If she castrates him first, maybe we'll live long enough to run.
Larxene walked in along with Roxas, shut the door behind her, went into her locker room, and placed Roxas on the diaper changing table.
At first she tries to remove his clothes and Roxas refused.
"Come on now Roxy it's time to take a bath."
Axel: Since Roxas isn't here, I'll just headwall for him. *Does so, repeatedly.*
He just crossed his arms and begins to pout again.
"Look Roxy I'm taking off my clothes."
She slowly unzipped her coat and relieved her naked body to Roxas.
Larxene: *Clutches at chest.* Innards... shrivelling... from HATE...
Vexen: *Perhaps not going to play the “you can't hate”-card right now, since he intends to keep on breathing.*
His face turned bright red as he stared at her.
"What's wrong Roxas?"
She bends down again to his to get to eye level.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN PUT SOME PANTS BACK ON!"
Axel: *Throws hands in the air.* SECONDED.
Larxene: It's unanimous. PUT SOME CLOTHES BACK ON, FIC-ME.
"…Don't be shy know…"
She took off Roxas' clothes and put some yellow floaties on both of his arms.
As soon the floaties were on Roxas she headed to the baths with him in her arms and close to her.
Inside of the baths were steamy, wide, and long that felt like it could stretch out for miles.
Marluxia: Larxene went to take a swim and was never seen again.
Zexion: Days later, Roxas manages to organise a search party.
Larxene washes Roxas' hair aaand... that's all there is to it. Here, have some crossover-lulz instead to make up for my current lack of funny.
She dipped the rag in the water.
"WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Well I do have to get your little pee-pee."
Marluxia: ...dear sweet Jesus, God above, you are fucking shitting me.
Axel: Whatever the hell I ate before bed today, I am going to burn it from now on.
"DON'T YOU DARE WOMAN!"
She started to clean Roxas' privet parts.
"There that wasn't so bad was it?"
Roxas had a blank look on his face.
Larxene: *Has a blank look on her face.*
Then Larxene slowly began to wash herself with a different hand cloth.
(Roxas had a full view of this.)
After five minutes of watching this along with a small noise bleed.
Vexen: *Examining Larxene from a safe distance.* I think she's broken.
Zexion: Lucky her. She can't read the fic anymore.
Larxene picked him up and went back into the changing rooms.
She puts on some pants
Larxene: Oh, THANK GOD.
Axel: Don't. If there was really a kind and merciful God, this thing would have been vaporised by now.
Marluxia: These things are sent to try us. If we manage to finish this, we'll be sitting at God's right hand when we go to heaven.
Zexion: What part of “God is dead” do you not understand?
Marluxia: The “dead” part, I should think.
Vexen: God is dead. Badfic killed him.
So Larxene dresses him and decides it's bedtime for Roxas.
"I go to bed at 10:30 you just can't-"
She squeezed his right shoulder and he was out like a light.
"Wow that really does work."
Axel: Larxene: kind of like Ty Lee, in a way.
Larxene: ... *Ever so slightly appeased.*
Chapter 9: List
Roxas wake the next day feeling like the room was spinning.
"Didn't I tell you he was cute when he's sleeping?"
"Ya your right!"
"Shhh! He's waking man!"
Axel, Demyx, and Xigbar were at the edges of the crib looking at him.
Zexion: Dear fanbrat. It wasn't cute when Edward Cullen did it and it's not cute in this case, either.
Vexen: Waking up to find Axel and Xigbar watching him? I'm amazed he didn't get an un-heart attack.
*Headwall, wall, wall, wall...*
Axel placed Roxas back into his highchair and tied him up.
Larxene: I didn't know you were into bondage, Axel.
Marluxia: Good to see you're back to normal, Larxene.
Axel: Nonononono. No. It's not even ephebophilia anymore right now.
Xigbar held a blue blow filled with yellow-orange mush in one hand and a plastic green spoon filled with mush in the other.
Vexen: Note the color of the spoon, people, this will be on the test.
"Say 'ah' for Uncle Xigbar."
"Don't like that! Look I'm eating it!"
He pretends to eat it but it wasn't fooling anyone.
Axel was getting mad that he didn't really feed him last time so he pushed Xigbar away.
"Out of the way Xigbar! Let me handle it. He loves me!"
Zexion: Yeees, I'm sure your friendship has not been harmed in the least after you forcibly turned him into a baby.
"NO I DON'T!"
Axel shoved the spoon into Roxas' mouth.
"Doesn't that taste yummy?"
Roxas paused for a second and goes:
"…Actually it dose taste pretty good… what's in it?"
Marluxia: Someone remind me what was in the last two things Roxas ate in this fic?
Vexen: The shrinking potion of illogic and volcanic rock.
Marluxia: Five munny says 'something that would lead to food poisoning in real life'.
Larxene: You're on.
"It's turkey and sweet yams. Now say 'ah' for me Roxy poo!"
Larxene: YES! WIN! *Victory airpunch.*
Marluxia: *Grumbles, but hands over munny.*
Larxene: It's a shame to be taking your money like this. Really. *Not ashamed in the least.*
He kept on eating the baby food.
For Axel this was a dream come true.
Xigbar and Demyx just stared at them with their mouths dropped.
Once the food was finally finish Demyx used his powers to clean blow.
Axel: Demyx: kindof like a dish washer, in a way.
Zexion: But he's being so useful for once!
"Hey what happen to the spoon you just had Axel?"
"…Ah…I don't know…"
It was his pocket because it toughed Roxas' lips.
Vexen: ...I feel the need to point out that this is where Axel officially graduated to 'stalker with a crush'.
"…Anyway…we have a lot of things to do on this list that Xenmas gave us."
Demyx: *Portals in.* Heeee's making a list, checking it twice! Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
Vexen: Here, let me save you the trouble. We'd all get coal if Santa ever came to visit.
Demyx: You're not getting into the spirit of things! *Leaves.*
Marluxia: *Pictures Vexen “getting into the spirit of things”.* ... *Snooort.*
Zexion: The only reason Even didn't get a visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future is because they couldn't find him in the lab.
Axel: Really? I thought they were chasing after Xemnas.
Zexion: They tried, but they gave up eight years ago.
Larxene: Now I'm just picturing you as Tiny Ti—shitthathurt! *Potion.*
There IS, in fact, a list, but it details what they have to put poor Roxas through today. So they park Roxas in front of the TV with a show about... dancing sock puppets teaching the alphabet. Yes.
"Oh dear God make it stop already!"
"Sworry Woxy wee wan't. Wou weed two wnow wour wlphwabat."
("Sorry Roxas we can't. You need to know your alphabet.")
Larxene: Seriously, author, we can understand that much. Unlike you, those of us on this side of the screen have working brains.
Vexen: ...how does he manage to pronounce a “w” instead of an “a” in “alphabet”?
"You can all burn in Hell for all that I care!"
While trying to escape from the highchair.
Then suddenly Roxas accidentally bit his tongue so hard that his words were complete gibberish.
"Splop pla TB!"
("Stop the TV!")
Marluxia: ...let the records show that I'm getting a very bad feeling about this.
Axel: *Looks ahead in the script.* *Picard-facepalm.*
Axel looked puzzled as he looked at Roxas.
He keeps staring at him until a thought came to mind.
"Aw! Look guys Roxas is finally getting into the spirit of babyhood!"
Others: *Follow Axel's example.*
Snip because frankly, I don't give a damn about them burping Roxas.
Demyx placed Roxas back in the highchair and looked at the list again.
"No we have to make sure his diaper is still clean."
Axel quickly undid the flap on Roxas' bottom and took a look inside.
Axel: *Still facepalming.* Insert smart-alecky quip about how you kindof expect that in a diaper. I don't even care anymore.
Larxene: Well, hey, as long as I'm still out of the picture. Nice of you to sacrifice yourself like that, buddy! *Smile.*
Anvil of Irony: *Am I a running joke or something?!*
Axel was so disappointed.
Vexen: Because he likes changing diapers for some reason?
Marluxia: Because changing Roxas' diaper gives him a chance to perv on him.
Vexen: I'll thank you not to speak of that again.
Xigbar looked around the room and saw a small palm tree that Marluxia just water not to long ago.
He walked over to the plant with a small evil smile on his face.
"…Ah…what are you doing Xigbar?"
He grabbed a more then a handful of really bad smelling manure
Zexion: As opposed to good-smelling manure? *HeadLexicon.*
and stuck it in Roxas' diaper.
"Axel didn't you just said Roxas' diaper was clean?"
"…Oh got ya…"
"TU GUIZE WRE AL BASTERTERDS!"
("You guys are all bastards!")
Larxene: In my professional opinion? Yes, we are. Even more so in the fic. Your point being?
Zexion: If the apologists show up, I am out of here and Lexaeus will spork the next part.
Not risking another changing Roxas bit Axel's shoulder and ran off.
Marluxia: How on earth do the words “Larxene” and “mother” manage to get in a hundred-mile radius of each other?
Larxene: Damned if I know. I am out of here. *Storms out.*
Zexion: Frankly, Eleven, at this point, I almost pity you. Almost.
Marluxia: Careful, Zexion, that was very nearly kind of you towards me. *Portals out after Larxene.*
Vexen: *Sigh.* That was amazingly painful, even though I'm not even in it. *Also out of here.*
Zexion: ...Axel, you're surprisingly quiet. Dare I ask what's going on in your head?
Axel: Screw you, Zexion. Just leave.
Zexion: *Shrug.* Very well, suit yourself. *Portals.*
Axel: ... *Grabs a copy of the script and a pen and scribbles on it.* Fucking time travel better help me out just this once... *Puts the script in Roxas' usual spot.*
Script: “Roxas, if you get this, for the love of god, just hide somewhere when it's time for this spork or Larxene will castrate you. – Axel.”
Axel: *Portals out.*
As we leave the theatre, the script seems to fade for a second...
Roxas: *Picks up the script.* What's this? “December 7th, 2011”? Must be the new Baby Roxas thing. Wonder why they sent it over a month early, though... *Reads Axel's message.* *Flips through the script.* ... *Flees.*