Author: chicken.stir.fry
Rating:
Full Name (including any titles): Unknown, didn’t read that far. There's also some kid named Amiryah, but she doesn't count.
Full Species(es): Angel Sue, we think.
Hair Color (include adjectives): “long chestnut brown hair which flowed around her slender body”
Eye Color (include adjectives): Unknown; she hasn’t opened them yet
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Apparently she’s an angel, but I’m not sure if she has wings or a halo or anything. At least, they’re not mentioned.
Special Possessions (if any): A Siren voice? Too much jewelry?
Origin: An underwater grotto near the Destiny Islands. Or outer space. One of those.
Connections To Canon Characters: They find her body floating underwater 8D
Special Abilities: Singing while dead!
Other Annoying Traits: .... I’m sure they’ll show themselves if we ever get to the part where she relifeifies.
I Say/Notes: Co-sporked with
yamikonumber7, who is a dork and needs to hang out with me more often ♥Sora: Does that mean we’re the wrong sporking team?
Riku: Quick! Get the "Birth by Sleep" Keybearers in here before they notice!
Kairi: I don’t think it works that way, guys.
Axel: Yeah, the theater automatically blocks suspected Sues.
Sora: Even canon sues?
Axel: Yup.
Riku: ...well damn.
Riku: Wait, so is there a Sue here or not?
Kairi: Wait, so is there grammar here or not?
Axel: INGLESH!
and you have your own opinion....
Axel: I expect it to be the suck.
Kairi: Oh no! The fic’s infected Axel!
Riku: Grammarcide’s catching?
Sora: *crosses his fingers in Axel’s direction* UNCLEEEEEAN!
Axel: Har har. Real funny, guys.
mind and driving you crazy...
Sora: It’s like she knows what we’re thinking...
Riku: Oh shit it is catching!
Axel: I’ll stop her. *summons chakrams*
Kairi: And by “stop” you mean “disembowel,” right?
Axel: Duh.
friend Amiryah... but I DID make up the song-thingy in the first chapter!
Kairi: *sings* When you walk away, you don’t hear me say~
Riku: I’d be worried if she did own her friend Amiryah. I think that’s illegal in most states.
Axel: Except Puerto Rico.
Riku: Well, that’s not a state, though.
Kairi is 15
Riku is 16
Sora: I'm so glad we have them here to tell us these things.
“Did you guys hear about the alignment of those stars?” Riku asked. He, Sora, and Kairi were walking home from a boring day at school.
Sora: *as himself* Yeah, I read my horoscope dutifully.
Axel: *reading from newspaper* Be assertive, but don’t force your decisions on others. As long as you don’t die, you will continue to live. Tonight: how about scuba diving? *blinks* Damn. Your horoscope sucks.
Sora: Well, when your sign is a half-goat-half-fish thing, it doesn’t get much better...
“Yup, sounds like there due to align tonight,” said Sora. “We should go check it out you guys!” piped in Kairi.
Axel: *hands Kairi a flute*
Kairi: *wallops him with it*
“Yeah, remember how Kairi came on the night of a meteor shower?” asked Riku.
Axel: Oh, so is that what you were doing~?
Sora: *Axel, meet Keyblade*
“Well, this could be just like that! I have a feeling something GOOD is gonna happen...”
Riku: ...Is there something you two aren’t telling me?
Sora and Kairi: NO.
“Let’s meet at the island at... hmmm... 7:00?”suggested Sora.
“Sounds good!” the others both replied. By then they reached Kairi’s house.
Sora: By when? 7:00? What time is it, anyway?
Riku: *checks his watch that he doesn’t wear* Um... freckle past a hair.
“See ya then!” said Kairi. She gave Riku a friendly hug then turned to Sora. She hesitated then Sora took the lead and lightly hugged her. Kairi turned the shade of a bing cherry (mm... cherries... my favorite) and quickly ran inside her house.
Axel: Now taking bets on who’s the main pairing of the fic!
Kairi: I just got the strangest feeling like the author wants to put me on a sundae.
Axel: No, no. In Soviet Russia, author puts sundae on you.
Riku: In badfic, Axel puts sundae on Roxas.
Axel: *sets Riku’s head on fire*
“Dude, you two are just too cute,” commented Riku. Sora punched his arm, which, surprisingly, had an effect (minor) on Riku. “Ow...” he said sarcastically.
Riku: What’re you talking about? Punches have no effect on me!
Axel: *hauls off and socks him*
Riku: *SOCK’D* OW!
Axel: That looks like an effect to me.
Riku: *SMACKDOWN*
Axel: Hey, didn’t they say that in Naga Eyes?
Sora and Riku: *scream of abject terror*
Kairi: *head in hands* Gee, thanks, Axel.
Axel: Anytime.
(7:00 that evening)
Kairi spread out a mat on the cool sand while the boys were being... well, idiots...
Sora and Riku were dueling, (no Keyblades and yes that means crappy wooden swords were involved, hence the term idiots)
Sora: It’s called “sparring.”
Riku: We kinda don't want to kill each other anymore.
and as usual, Riku was beating the crap out of Sora (teehee).
Axel: Teehee.
Sora: Don’t start that again.
“Guys, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye!” warned Kairi.
“OMG MY FREAKIN EYE!” screamed Sora as he ran trying to retrieve his eye that was currently rolling towards Kairi. Kairi looked down at the eye.
Sora: OCH ME EYE!!
Riku: Don’t worry: when we get back to Traverse Town, we can get you one what actually fits and is made of glass.
Sora: This one does splinter somethin’ terrible.
Riku: Quit rubbin’ it!
“OMG RIKU! YOU KILLED SORA’S EYE!” Kairi shrieked at the top of her lungs.
Kairi: Did I just yell “OMG?”
Riku: I can’t believe you did that.
“OMG, OMFG!” yelled Riku at the top of HIS lungs.
Riku: ...I can’t believe I did that.
Axel: Where did you kids even learn that?
Now they all ran in circles screaming “OH MY PHFFT OH MY GAWD!” like chickens with their heads cut off (sorry Amiryah she likes chickens). (Kudos, no wait, MUFFINS to my friend Troy who brought that wonderful “omg” phrase into my life)
Axel: *theatrically* DAMN YOUUUUUU, TROY!
Riku: We’re going to find out where you live, and send you a wooden horse. Full of Spartans.
Kairi: MADNESS??
5 minutes later they stopped and fell down dead- except they didn’t.
Riku: You know, I really like this fic – except I don’t.
Sora: Easy for you to say, you’ve still got 20/20 vision.
Axel: So what’ve you got? 20?
Sora rescued his eye from almost being squashed on by Kairi’s head (yes, I said head).
Sora: ...is that even funny?
Axel: *point* SHE SAID HEAD! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!
Sora: ...nope.
Axel: IT’S LIKE “HE” AND THEN “AD!”
Amiryah came from out of nowhere and chucked several large erasers at the trio’s heads (yay, your profession in life has finally made good use).
Kairi: ...is that the chicken lady?
Riku: Yes, and her calling in life is to throw erasers at people for no apparent reason.
Sora: HELLO FLONNE- wait, nobody’s gonna get that.
Axel: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to crack.
Amiryah left and the trio collapsed on the mat.
Riku: -.-‘
Sora: O.x
Kairi:)
Riku: Dash-Dot-Dash-Apostrophe.
Sora: Capital-Oh-Dot-Ex.
Kairi: A single parenthesis!
Axel: A bad joke.
Sora put his eye back in its socket and blinked several times.
Kairi: Well, look on the bright side: at least you haven’t got a fork sticking out of it.
“That was fun,” said Riku
“HECK YEAH!” agreed the other two.
Sora: Yeah, I love going blind.
Kairi: We could’ve gotten you an eyepatch.
Axel: Yeah, you could be Jack Sparrow!
Riku: Except Jack doesn’t have an eyepatch.
Sora: And I don’t have syphilis.
(End craziness... right about.... Now...)
Sora: End fic...right about...now...
Kairi: Nice try.
“Whoa...” they all whispered in unison as the group spotted the cluster of stars that formed a shape similar to that of a heart.
Sora: That’s nothing. I’ve seen a cluster of stars form a shape similar to me.
“Alright,” said Riku. “Something awesome should happen right about now.”
“And how do you know that?” Kairi asked.
Riku: Plot device, Mister Frodo. Plot device.
“I overheard some girls talking about it and how there’s some cool thingy that should happen,” replied Riku.
Kairi: So you were eavesdropping on the author.
Riku: Pretty much.
“Oooh, Riku! Spying on girls!” teased Kairi. Sora laughed. Riku just went pssh and let the topic drop.
Axel: Evidently Riku’s made of hydraulics.
Kairi: And he sprung a leak.
Riku: *deadpan* Domo arigato.
“Hey, what’s that light over there by that rock?” asked Sora.
Axel: *as Dr. Cid* This is a nethicite sandwitch. It is made of nethicite and bread.
All three stared at a delicate strand of light that changed into various colors of the rainbow. It stretched from the heart-shaped constellation of stars to the rock that peeked out several feet above the water.
Sora: Suddenly, the world was invaded by My Little Ponies.
The rock was about 50 feet from the shore, so the trio was able to get a good look at was going on. The rock seemed to glow below the surface of the rippling water. It beckoned to them.
Riku: With its... hands. That it doesn’t have.
“Hey, you guys hear that?” asked Riku.
“Hear what?” Kairi asked.
“It sounds like someone is singing; only, I can’t make out the words...”
Sora: And when did we end up in Atlantica, again?
Axel: Right after the Gaybeam destroyed the world.
Sora: Right.
“Yeah,” agreed Sora.
“I don’t hear anything,” muttered Kairi sadly.
Riku: It has a bishonen filter.
Axel: Sorry, no ovaries allowed.
“But...” Riku trailed off. He started for the water.
Kairi: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...
Riku: SUE.
Sora: *Jaws theme*
“Riku where are you going?” asked Kairi.
Riku: Come on in, Fluffy, the water’s – oh, wait.
Sora: Are you trying to steal my slug?
“I’m going to find out what’s down there,” he replied and pointed to the glowing water around the rock.
Kairi: This is just hitting every horror cliché in the book, isn’t it.
Sora: I was thinking more “Scooby-Doo.”
Axel: Ruh-roh!
“I’ll come with,” said Sora cheerfully. “C’mon, Kairi. Let’s all go.”
“I’m not too sure about that. I don’t know what’s down there,” said Kairi with a shy/worried look on her face.
Kairi: *deadpan* Yeah, Shy and Worried are my OTP. Totally.
Axel: Who tops?
“Don’t worry, Kairi,” assured Sora in a cheery voice. “I’ll protect you!” He flashed his trademark smile (A/N squeal). Kairi smiled.
Riku: *as lawyer* I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s trademark infringement.
Kairi: *does Axel’s trademark pout*
Axel: That is too! Plus, you’re doing it wrong.
Riku laughed softly and the “couple” blushed madly. (They still aren’t officially a couple)
Axel: You’re not?
Kairi: As long as there’s “air quotes” it’s not “official.”
Sora: *silently curses the “air quotes”*
“Well I’m goin’,” declared Riku.
Riku: *overexaggerated country drawl* Y’all comin’ wit’?
Sora: *same* Boy howdy, I shore am!
Kairi: *same* Ah’ll have some fresh finger-lickin’ cornbread for y’all whens y’all comes back!
Axel: ...no.
He then took off his shoes and walked into the water.
“Dude, your clothes are gonna be wet and you won’t have anything dry to wear when you get out,” said Sora. Riku just shrugged.
Sora: Like that’s ever stopped us before.
Axel: I’m reminded of something...I’m not sure what, but I’m pretty sure I was traumatized afterwards.
“It happens.” He waded out into the calm, shallow water. Sora followed suit. Kairi groaned and reluctantly caught up with the two.
Sora: *Jaws theme again*
Chapter 2
...w00t! Chapter 2!
The water was icy cold, but as they got closer to the rock, it seemed so much warmer.
Riku: I told you I was goin’.
Kairi: I thought I told you to go before we left!
Almost comforting.
Axel: You kids have some weird tastes.
Riku heard the singing even clearer. It was so beautiful and was almost hypnotizing. It was clear that it was female and it was calling him and Sora.
Riku: Oh, geez, it’s a siren.
Kairi: *as Gollum* Don’t – follow – the lights!
They were now keeping afloat in ocean water. The rock was about 10 feet away.
“Alright,” said Riku. “Let’s dive down.”
“Man!” complained Kairi.
Axel: *Casanova grin* You called?
They all took a big breath and sunk below the surface about 15 feet (A/N: yes, I know that in real life their ears would be busting open at that depth, but hey, if Goofy can drive a gummi ship and Pluto can’t, then I don’t know what...).
Riku: Well obviously you don’t know anything, because ears do not work that way.
Kairi: Pluto can drive a Gummi Ship! I can attest to this personally.
As they got closer they saw that the rock had a picture of an elaborately decorated keyhole etched into the stone.
Sora: I didn’t know our world had TWO hearts!
Axel: Insert Doctor Who joke here.
The picture glowed with a bright white light. As the three stared at the light, they noticed that they could BREATHE (yes, someone was being stupid and gulped in some air while they were in water)
Riku: Wait, somebody tried to breathe? Underwater? How did we even survive the first fifteen years of our lives?
Kairi: More importantly, how did they get air underwater?
Sora: Well, it is one part O...
Axel: Yeah, it’s the H’s that’ll kill you.
“Holy sh!t!” Apparently they could talk as well.
Kairi: Not once I wash their mouths out with soap.
Right away, the two boys knew what to do.
Axel: Have sex.
Riku: You’d like that too much.
They summoned their Keyblades and held them out to the keyhole. Immediately, a strand of light came from each Keyblade and joined the other together to meet the Keyhole.
Axel: See? Look at all the euphemisms! They’re totally having sex!
Sora & Riku: *KILL MAIM DESTROY*
Kairi: *musing* As opposed to partially having sex?
There was a faint click sound that was muffled by the water. A blinding flash of light and a flurry of rapid bubbles (think of a Jacuzzi) made all three teens shield their eyes. When the light disappeared, the trio could see that the picture of the keyhole was no longer glowing but remained normal.
Axel: Because the morning after always sucks.
“Ah, great,” muttered someone. “More blinding light.”
To that person’s dismay, there was a trace of light peeking from behind the rock that blocked the entrance to a cave-like room, like light escaping from underneath the bathroom door.
Sora: See, Riku? SEE?!
Axel: But how do they know that’s what’s going on inside?
Kairi: The author sees everything.
All: *stop and consider the implications of this*
Axel: ...well shit. Maybe I should stop stealing from Larxene’s wallet.
“You guys, help me move this boulder,” said Riku. With much struggling and straining of arm and leg muscles, they managed to move the boulder to leave a man-sized hole to swim through.
Axel: This cardboard boulder will definitely keep them from escaping. In America.
Kairi: ...but it’s not America.
Axel: Well, so much for that.
“Someone has to go first,” stated Sora.
Sora: Riku already did!
Riku: *facepalm*
“Riku, this was your idea,” said Kairi smiling. “I think you should do the honors.”
Riku: Too late.
Kairi: ...the joke that will live in infamy.
Axel: I thought you said this wasn’t America!
Riku nodded and slowly floated through (teehee that sounds funny.... Okay I’ll shut up).
Riku: Please do.
Axel: Teehee.
Riku: You too.
The other two followed closely behind.
“O...M...G...” uttered Riku.
Riku: One...Munny...Get.
Kairi: Old...Man...Geriatrix.
Sora: Oogie...Maleficent...Jafar-wait...
Axel: Ogle...My...Grandmother.
“WHAT?” asked Sora and Kairi in unison.
As all three swam up inside the rock the reached an air pocket.
Axel: Not that they needed it or anything.
The whole cavern was surprisingly bigger than the rock itself. Well, from the outside, at least.
Kairi: This defies logic!
Sora: So does the TARDIS!
Riku: Yeah, but does the rock travel through time?
Axel: Yes.
“This defies logic...” whispered Kairi.
Sora: So does the TARDIS-wait...
The cave was filled with glowing crystals that shined brightly thanks to the opening at the top of the rock. Colors were flying everywhere and it was hard to focus on anything inside.
Riku: That sounds like this fic.
Now the singing was clearer than ever: (a cappella/soprano-ish)
The angel calls for freedom
And when the Keyblade bearers come
They will save the Heart-filled Kingdom”
Sora: I thought we already did that.
Riku: Only without the angel.
Sora: No, no, End of the World, remember? Angel Heartless!
Axel: That's totally going on my Christmas tree.
Riku, Sora, and Kairi climbed out of the water and stood up on the soft sand. Then, at the back of the room, Riku saw the most amazing sight. There floating there in all her grace and beauty was the angel herself.
Kairi: What, and the rest of us don’t see this?
Riku: Obviously I’m hallucinating. Bright lights and colors everywhere, remember?
She was about a foot off the ground and she wasn’t moving. She had long chestnut brown hair which flowed around her slender body.
Sora: SHE’S A FURRY! RUN!
She wore a white gown with gold trim and black accents. Wrapped around her was a radiant scarf that donned all the wondrous colors of the rainbow.
Riku: The Queer Eye guys would just love that.
Sora: IT’S MAKING MY EYES FALL OUT! AGAIN!
Atop her head was a delicate circlet made of gold. Around her neck and resting on her collar bone was a mysterious necklace that resembled a compass rose and had a diamond inserted in the center. She looked delicate, almost like a glass figurine.
Axel: In case of fire, break glass. *will provide the fire*
“Holy sh!t, she’s ho-OW!” shouted Sora. Kairi had kicked him in the shin.
Axel: Wow, you just swore and called her a ho.
Kairi: Don’t make me get the soap.
Sora: I’ll be good!
“Sorry...sniff”
Sora: Sniff.
Riku: Sniff.
Kairi: Sniff.
Axel: Glue.
Riku slowly walked up to the radiant creature. “Hmm... Strange...”
“What?” Kairi asked.
“She doesn’t seem to be breathing,” he replied.
Axel: And this is a problem...why?
Riku: I think we found a corpse, guys.
Sora: I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.
He was about to reach for her wrist to check her pulse when she fell from her “floating” position on top of Riku making him fall backwards.
Axel: She totally did that on purpose. While dead.
“GAH!”
“Riku!” His to friends ran over to him to help him up
“I think we should go now,” Kairi said quickly.
Riku: Before the police show up.
“What will we do about her?” Riku asked in a worried tone. He laid the girl’s body on the sand.
“I don’t know,” she replied with some frustration in her voice. “She’s more than likely... dead...”
Kairi: ...the Sue is telling us she’s dead?
Axel: *as Shrek* This is the part where you run away screaming.
“What!” cried Riku in disbelief. “We don’t know that yet!”
“Well, what will everyone think?” asked Sora. “I don’t think anyone knows a girl who can float 2 feet off the ground!”
Sora: Yes we do! Maleficent and Larxene!
Axel: ...do they even count as girls?
“coughItwasaboutafootcoughreadthescriptc
Axel: *as McGonagall* May I offer you a cough drop, Dolores?
“Let’s just take her to the hospital and see what they can do,” reasoned Riku.
Riku: Yeah, hand her over to Dr. Cid. That works.
Axel: Gonna die, gonna die, don’t know don’t care, gonna die...
Kairi sighed. “Fine,” she reluctantly concluded. The tree quickly prepared to dive down into the water again, planning to go at to speed to keep the mystery girl alive.
Sora: Well if the trees are in a hurry, you know there’s trouble.
Riku: *very slowly* We do not save anyone unless they are worth taking a very long time to save.
If she already was alive, that is.
........................................
Chicken: okay, I know this chapter was short, but... I’m, like, slow on getting this together in my head.
Sora: She’s just slow in general.
Riku: *very slowly* We do not spork anything unless it is worth taking a very long time to spork.
(My brain refuses to cooperate, unfortunately and I tend to make things more difficult than they need to be...)
Oh, yeah... please review and stuff.... And just so you know.... Flames hurt.... Ouch...
Axel: Are you sure? We can always test the theory. *smirk*
Riku: So what have we learned this time?
Kairi: It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an-
Sora: *hands over eyes* DON’T SAY IT.