plotmaster (plotmaster) wrote in heartless_fics,

'Twas the Badfic before Christmas (in a Jack Skellington kind of way)

TitleThe Sweetest Poison
Author: Princess of Rose

Rating: Just one little shadow. The characters aren’t terrible, the spelling and grammar are good and there’s no inane fangirl chatter in it. However, the entire plot revolves around Demyx being a peacekeeper by merit of being a Dhampir. It works about as well as you’d think.
Full names: Demyx Kawa, Axel, Zexion, Saix, Larxene, Rai, Fuu and Xion.
Full Species (es): Dhampir, Vampire and Human, respectively
Hair Color (include adjectives): Blond
Eye Color (include adjectives): Assumed canon (or acceptable vampire substitutes)
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Fangs, naturally.
Special Possessions (if any): Demyx has an armband that does all of squat.
Origin: Vampire Knight, apparently.
Connections To Canon Characters: Actually seem to be them... for the most part.
Special Abilities: All those neat vampire powers that everyone except Demyx has because this universe hates him.
Other Annoying Traits: Everyone seems surprised when Demyx absolutely fails at stopping super powered, bloodsucking monsters from doing what they want.

I Say/Notes: This fic isn’t bad, really, especially given when we have sporked in the past. It’s certainly not as bad as most vampire fics out there, and it seems very self-aware. In fact, half the reason I chose this fic was that it wasn’t as bad as the other vampire fics. That was two years ago now, and I never finished the spork because, in the end, I almost felt bad about it. However, now I have my Time Travel story arc, so this spork actually fits perfectly. So, if you can, check out the fic proper if you can overlook the silly plot points, and then go enjoy Halloween.

And have a happy one. Even if it is Christmas by this point.

We open to the Spooking theater once again! Axel dashes inside, looking panicked before noticing the other sitting down.
Roxas: So, next on the list is... Vampires.
Axel: *has a large stack of notes* okay, Luxord was a dead end, but he pointed me in the right direction, and I think I’ve finally got it! It looks like someone actually did research into this kind of thing!
Kairi: Halloween-themed badfics?
Axel: What? No, time travel. And besides, it’s Christmas now-
Riku:... Do you really believe that?
Axel: Believe what?
Riku: In Time Travel?
Roxas: Hey, Sora did it once.
Riku: Yeah, but this doesn’t look like the Timeless River.
Kairi: So then what’s Axel talking about?
Axel: Uh, time travel? That problem I’ve been having? Come on, we discussed this!
Kairi: Just ignore him; he wants attention. If we don’t indulge him, he’ll stop.
Riku: Do you really think that’ll work?
Kairi: *sags* No, not really.

Demyx: *portals in* Hey all.
Kairi: Oh, hey Demyx; you’re just in time for the Vampire Fic.
Demyx:… Glee.
Axel:… Vampire fic?
Riku: So, who gets to be the sexy blood sucker and who gets to be the bloody suck sexer? Is it me and him? *jabs thumb at Roxas*
Roxas: *fwaps* No, it’s Axel and Elvis over here.
Demyx: *in said costume* Hey, don’t diss the King.
Axel: *grabs Roxas and shakes him* WHAT FIC DID WE SPORK LAST?
Roxas:… The Zombie fic; now get off me before I have to murder you. Again.
Axel:… No. No no no! NO! THIS CAN’T BE!
Roxas: Whatever. I’m just glad that I... *scans the script* Don’t appear in this!
Roxas: …You know, I was gonna say that we could be friends today, but you’re being weird.
Axel: …Just roll the fic.
Demyx: *sulks*

So after reading Vampire Knight I decided to try this.

Kairi: Truly an auspicious beginning.

Tentatively. I don't know if it will get up off the ground. To be honest, I haven't even seen a good KH vamp fic on here.

All: Neither have we.
Demyx: On the flip side, we’re not hookers this time.

I hope I do it right. I also borrowed some concepts from VK too, like the blood tablets and the uniforms. But everything else was all me. Methinks.

Riku: Methinks yon scribe hath too much hubris in this venture.
Roxas: Hey, at least she skipped the stupid ‘disclaimer’.

Rated T for blood, language, and some suggestive themes (?).

Pairings: AkuDemy (friendship),

Demyx: *fistpump* YES!
Axel: We’re not friends.
Demyx: I know, but friendship is better than sex!
Roxas:... that sounds like something Sora would say.

Axel/Larxene, probably more.

Axel: I... I’m not gay!
Kairi: I’m not sure how this is a badfic...

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.

Roxas:... D’oh.



"It's time to wake up, asshat," came the voice, entirely too loud.

All: *look at Axel*
Axel: I’m no man’s alarm clock.

Demyx groaned and rolled over, stuffing the pillow over his face.

Demyx: Because suicide is always an option.

"Shut up," he moaned, pulling the blanket tighter around himself as Axel tried to drag it off him.

Roxas: This reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes comic.

"We're going to be late."

Kairi: For a very important date!

"Since when did you care?"

"Since you're going to get Saturday detention along with your ten million supplementary classes."

Demyx: *pales* Wait, I have to take how many classes?
Roxas: Geeze, does even thinking about work scare you?

Demyx sighed and obliged, sitting up and staring dazedly at his roommate.

Axel: He was pretty baked.

Despite being here longer, Axel still acted like Demyx was younger than him, like he was his responsibility.

Riku: Well, someone has to make him do stuff.
Kairi: better Axel than Saïx.

Sometimes, the blonde was glad he had Axel to back him up, but most of the time it was just plain annoying.

Demyx: Nah, he’s annoying pretty much all the time.

"How do you do it?" The redhead asked him.

"Do what?"

"Sleep that long. Doesn't it get boring?"

Axel: Hey, I’ll have you know that I slept through my entire vacation!
Demyx: Puh-leeze. I napped through my entire workweek. I’m the undisputed king of napping.

Demyx raised his eyebrow.

"Right. 'It's normal,'" Axel mimicked his voice. "You freaking halfie."

Riku: Oh hi there racism?!

"I'm sorry." Demyx yanked on his pants.

"Here," Axel said in a softer, almost concerned voice. Demyx looked up, surprised, to see him offering him a glass. "You look bad."

Roxas: Here, whiskey will make it all go away.
Demyx: *pulls a face*

"I was out until only a few hours ago." He pushed back the glass Axel was offering him.

Kairi: Go Demyx! D.A.R.E. to resist Axel!
Demyx:... on second though *grabs the shot glass*

Axel gave him a look. "I know you're half human and all, but you need this. All vampires do."

Axel: Come on, all the cool vampires are doing it.
Riku: You don’t wanna be like those... Sparklepires, do you?

Demyx buttoned his jacket tightly. "I'm not a vampire."

Demyx: Hey, cool, I don’t have to be a vampire!

Axel groaned. "Here we go again."

Demyx stared at him, his eyes black-ringed.

Kairi: Demyx, have you been moonlighting as a raccoon again?
Demyx: *hides his tail* Hey, I ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog.

"Listen, if it was you…"

 "If it was me I'd put on my big boy panties and deal with it," Axel said, setting the glass on top of his desk and tracing his finger over it. "I didn't poison it, if that's what you're thinking.

Demyx:... well now I’m thinking it!

So just drink."

Demyx: Hell no, you poisoned it!
Kairi: Never drink anything that Axel gives you. *glares*
Axel: Geeze, one goofy picture and suddenly you’re a sex offender.

Axel saw his hesitated, eyes flickering to the glass where you could see the small tablet dissolving.

Demyx: See! I can see the poison! It’s right there!
Roxas: It’s... alka selzer?
Axel: And poison?
Demyx: SEE?!

Finally, thirst won out, and the blonde downed the glass.

Demyx: Oh, cool, fic!me is dead. Can I go now?
Riku: *sighs*

"It's like I'm trying to get an anorexic to eat," Axel muttered.

Roxas: And you’d know all about that.
Axel: Shut up! I eat... ice cream... usually...

"See? You look better already."

Demyx: *foaming at the mouth* Really?

Demyx smiled sarcastically and fixed his tie. "Yeah, whatever. Are you ready to go?"


Okay, okay. I know this is confusing.

Kairi: We’ve seen worse.
Roxas: At least you can spell.

My name is Demyx Kawa. I'm a member of the Thirteenth Order, which is basically this stuck-up academy for rich kids.

Axel: And sociopaths-
Kairi: And criminals-
Riku: And mad scientists-
Roxas: And me!

Clarification- I'm not rich. If it weren't for the fact that I'm the headmaster's charity pupil, I would probably be on the streets somewhere, or maybe in a nice trailer park. Who knows?

Demyx: I might be in a run down tenement! Or a hotel room! Or a shelter! The possibilities are endless!

Oh yeah- here's another nice little tidbit.

I'm a half-vampire.

Kairi: Good to know. Now, do you have any experience as an uke?
Riku: With whom do you see yourself in ten years?

Whoever said that vampires are supposedly these really evil, feral creatures can go dree their weird.

Axel: Do and you clean it up.
Roxas: Yeah, vampires get a bad rap! It’s all Dracula’s fault.
Demyx: He’s like vampire Hitler.

Because really, if you said that to a vampire you'd be dead in seconds.

Kairi: They’re not murderous, bloodthirsty monsters!
Roxas: But they will murder you in a second if they feel like it.

Aren't most humans also that way?

Axel: Nah, humans are lame.

Sure, they're not as strong and maybe not even as smart. But they're just as evil.

Kairi: All of them?
Demyx: All of them.

Me? I fall into a third category.

Roxas: Which is just to lazy to care.

My mother was a pureblood vampire. She met my dad, they fell in love, and they had me. After that tryst, she bit him. Uh, ma, couldn't you have bitten him before you screwed him?

Axel: Or, alternatively, while you screwed him.
Riku: But… vampires can’t have kids, right?

Yup. That's my existence summed up in just a few sentences.

Roxas: I thought your existence could be summed up in
Demyx:… you’re not saying anyth- OOOOH, I see what you did there.

Oh yeah, and then they had to go and die.

Kairi: Check mark for Tuesday!
Roxas: *as parents* So, we had a kid, we got bitten… whelp, time to die! *bleh*

I don't remember it, not really. Vampire hunters came and killed them.

Riku: *shrugs* It happens.

They were going to kill me, considering they didn't know what I was, but one of them cut me some slack and brought me here.

Axel: *as hunter* Uh… what the dick is that?
Riku: I dunno… should we kill it?
Axel: Nah, let’s send it to school.

There aren't many differences between vampires and humans, so there aren't many differences between them and me.

Kairi: We actually prefer to be called ‘fang-challenged vampires’ these days.

My skin is a little less pale, sure. My heart beats faster. I'm a little weaker. The sun doesn't weaken me.

Demyx: So… I’m a normal guy.
Roxas: No, don’t you see? You have none of the weaknesses of vampires!

It still sucks, though, being one of a kind.

-This is Demyx’s diary for English class-

Over and out.

Axel: Roger-roger. Two forty-forty Delta Oh-niner.
Riku: Screamin’ Eagles!


The rest will be up ASAP. It would have been done tonight, but LJ hates me as usual. 

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