anderling (anderling) wrote in heartless_fics,
anderling
anderling
heartless_fics

Hush, little Roxas, don't say a word... (Part 3)

Title: Baby Roxas.
Author: hexpinteas.
Rating:  ANSEM as of today. Rating-details are in part 1, but this part introduces the complete and utter character-mutilation of Larxene. We'll get to her in a minute to see why this fully deserves the Ansem.

Special Possessions (if any): A pink fluffy “girly” pillow, a bottle, a “straw basket full of jars of paint, brushes and paper”, a yellow painter's suit, a bath house (?!), yellow floaties, pink glittery shampoo, light blue soap, a baby wipe, baby lotion, baby powder, “yellow diaper rubber pants” (whut?), a tv with a show that has “sock puppets singing and dancing the alphabet”. Note that like 95% of these things were produced by LARXENE OF ALL PEOPLE. Yes, Larxene.
Also featuring as of now: Larxene's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGSTY PAST and... “a small heartbeat”. What.

Sporking Crew: Axel, Larxene, Marluxia, Vexen and Zexion.
I Say/Notes: ...if I can protect one person, ONE SINGLE PERSON, from suffering brain-scarring from this fic, then I should officially be promoted to sainthood or a reasonable equivalent thereof in every major world religion. All of my sins, past, present and future, will be abolished and I shall move on to heaven regardless of what else I do in life. This is how bad the fic just got.
In unrelated news, SPORKING CROSSOVER CONTINUITY! That is all.
Unrelated unrelated news, yes, I know it took me forever and five days to finish this part. This is because my sporking-muse took a look at this thing and committed seppuku. Also because I may or may not be totally addicted to the Phoenix Wright kink meme now.   ...don't judge me.
In more unrelated news, sorry if I screw up on the formatting somewhere. LJ HATES me and insists on moving the post-box-thingy around so I won't be able to see what I'm actually doing.

PART UNE, or "Why Zexion Should Never Have Free Time, Ever".
PART DEUX, or "How Is Roxas Not Dead Yet?!".
PART TROIS, or "Larxene Gets A Wangsty Dark And Troubled Past".
PART QUATRE, or "Axel, Demyx and Xigbar Play With Their 'My Little Roxas' Doll".
Note: Updates shall be posted on Dreamwidth. I won't be updating the previous parts on LJ anymore, so go over there for the rest of this spork whenever I manage to update this.


Ye Olde Sporkinge Theatre is back again, bringing you a fic! Our designated protagonists are back again, and Vexen and Marluxia are looking the worse for wear.
Vexen: Someone remind me why I put up with the rest of you again?
Zexion: The better question is why we put up with you after what you did.
Marluxia: You say that like you wouldn't have done the exact same thing.
Larxene: You could have told the rest of us it was going to suck. We could have gotten the others to spork this instead and we'd all be out of there before they knew what hit them.
Marluxia: Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to save your own skin.
Larxene: See if your skin stays that way now that I know what you did.
Axel: Hey, guys? Not to interrupt your catfights, but has anyone seen Roxas?
Others: Huh?
Axel: I've checked, but I can't find him anywhere.
[Working on it. Give us a sec.]
Zexion: *Suspicious.* Why “working on it”?
[...well, I can't find him.]
All: .........what?
[I can't find him. At all. My only guess is that someone warned him about today.]
Vexen: ...I'm getting the feeling my coffee was not nearly Irish enough for this.

Chapter 7: Truth

Zexion: This is actually a really thought-out trollfic?
Marluxia: If only.

After twenty minutes of him trying to escape and banging his head on the pink fluffy girly pillow Larxene came out of the dark shadow while holding a bottle of warm milk in her right hand.

Larxene: ...oh. Oh, hell. What is this?
Marluxia: ...I believe this is my cue to sit elsewhere. *Seats self next to Axel instead of Larxene, picking the lesser of two evils.*

"Look Roxas I don't like this as much as you do but it's for science…and…bla, bla, bla…"

"IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?"

"BECAUSE ROXAS!"

Axel: *Larxene.* THE AUTHOR SAYS SO!
Zexion: Clearly Larxene is the kind of Nobody who would follow orders without question.
Larxene: I'm considering that a compliment.

She stopped for a moment and said in a sad depressing voice:

"…In my other life I had a baby…"

Larxene: ............
Others: *Baaacking away...*

Roxas was stunned as he looked at her never saw this side of her.

Vexen: Trust me, we didn't want to, either.

"…His name was Kyle…he was only five weeks old…"

Nerviest to death and nearly swallowing his tongue he worked up the courage to ask:

"What happened to him?"

Marluxia: Crib death?
Vexen: Plot device?
Zexion: Unspecified excuse for wangst?
Axel: Giant space flea out of nowhere?

"…Darkness came out of nowhere one day in my hometown and swallowed everything in it's path…

Zexion: ...or that.
Axel: I say I got closest.

everyone ran screaming, trying to get away…my other life tried to save the baby…but I'm not sure if he lived…when I awoke the organization took me in…and I was reborn…"

Larxene: .................. *Twitch.*

"…Larxene…"

"…I don't know if he survived or not…but if he did…will I'll be the mother…?"

She puts her head down and started to cry a little.

Larxene: ...I am not happy about this.
Others: *Double-check their Round Block.*

"…Larxene… I'm so sorry that happened to you…"

Roxas understood now.

Vexen: Excellent. Mind sharing this insight with the rest of the class?

The reason why she didn't want to baby him was because it brought back old memories of that day and using her mean attitude was a cover up to hide how she really felt.

Zexion: ...on second thought, never mind. You can just keep your thoughts to yourself.
Marluxia: Characterisation: D; Very Poor. See me after class.

"…The milk is getting cold Larxene…"

She quickly lifts her head up.

"!"

Vexen: Where did the sentence go?
Axel: That is the sentence, Vexen.
Larxene: The player character just entrered my line of sight. I'm about to start a Pokémon battle.
Zexion: Maybe she found a hidden puzzle.

"…Isn't that why you came up here…?...To feed me…?"

She nodded with a small smile.

"Well let's get started."
Roxas said with a big smile.

Marluxia: It's not until later that he realises he should have been more suspicious about that almond taste to the milk.
Vexen: Willing the fic into proper characterisation isn't going to work, you know. Even tried. By the gods, Even tried.
Marluxia: *Points towards Larxene.*
Larxene: *On slow boil.*
Zexion: ...Perhaps we can gather some more research data. By all means continue.

SNIP where Larxene feeds, burps and tucks in “Kyle-I MEAN ROXAS!”

"…I'll see you later on then…"

She opened up another dark shadow and just about when she was about to leave a small child calling out to her:

"I love you mommy."

Axel: *Facepalm.* Roxas, you idiot...

She quickly turns around but the darkness covered everything as she disappears into the shadows.

Suddenly a small heartbeat came from her chest.

"Is this?"

All: ...what the fuck?!
Larxene: ...when Roxas gets in here, I'm going to strangle him with my bare hands for not suffering here with us.
Zexion: I wonder where he got the script, though. After the last spork, we made sure to keep everyone away from it.

But it quickly faded away.

Chapter 8: Bath Time

All: ...............
Larxene: ...if this is happening, I am out of here.
Marluxia: If this is happening, I'm not stopping you.

Roxas lied in his crib staring at the ceiling thinking:

"Larxene went through so much and I didn't even know. Also normal hearts are made when babies are born, so this might be a way to get a heart."

Vexen: ... *HeadWALL.*

HAI LARXENE.

She held in her left hand a straw basket full of jars of paint, brushes and paper while in her right hand a thin plastic green mat.

"…Um…I thought this will be fun to do."

Larxene: ...FUCKING PAINTING. *Head in hands.*

"Its looks like fun- mean goo-goo!"

She sat up the mat on the ground along with the art supplies.

"Now before we begin we have to change you out of those clothes."

Axel: ...HEY!
Vexen: What is it now?
Axel: How come that when fic-me is stripping Roxas it's fucking creepy, but it's A-OKAY when it's fic-Larxene doing it?!
Zexion: That's because Larxene thinks of Roxas as a replacement goldfish, remember?
Marluxia: *Facepalm.* Don't remind us.

Doo-dee-doo, they're painting pictures for a bit when Larxene decides they need to take a bath, So on we go! ...wait whut.

Luckily she passed everyone in the castle to the baths outside in the huge garden.

Vexen: We have those?
Larxene: Oh, right, you were the first to die, so you didn't get to see them.
Vexen: *Death glare.*
Zexion: Vexen, you do know she's just gauding you, don't you?
Marluxia: *Whispers.* Let her. If she castrates him first, maybe we'll live long enough to run.

Larxene walked in along with Roxas, shut the door behind her, went into her locker room, and placed Roxas on the diaper changing table.

At first she tries to remove his clothes and Roxas refused.

"Come on now Roxy it's time to take a bath."

Axel: Since Roxas isn't here, I'll just headwall for him. *Does so, repeatedly.*

He just crossed his arms and begins to pout again.

"Look Roxy I'm taking off my clothes."

She slowly unzipped her coat and relieved her naked body to Roxas.

Larxene: *Clutches at chest.* Innards... shrivelling... from HATE...
Vexen: *Perhaps not going to play the “you can't hate”-card right now, since he intends to keep on breathing.*

His face turned bright red as he stared at her.

"What's wrong Roxas?"

She bends down again to his to get to eye level.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN PUT SOME PANTS BACK ON!"

Axel: *Throws hands in the air.* SECONDED.
Marluxia: Thirded.
Vexen: ...“fourthed”.
Zexion: Agreed.
Larxene: It's unanimous. PUT SOME CLOTHES BACK ON, FIC-ME.

"…Don't be shy know…"

She took off Roxas' clothes and put some yellow floaties on both of his arms.

As soon the floaties were on Roxas she headed to the baths with him in her arms and close to her.

Inside of the baths were steamy, wide, and long that felt like it could stretch out for miles.

Marluxia: Larxene went to take a swim and was never seen again.
Zexion: Days later, Roxas manages to organise a search party.

Larxene washes Roxas' hair aaand... that's all there is to it. Here, have some crossover-lulz instead to make up for my current lack of funny.

She dipped the rag in the water.

"WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Well I do have to get your little pee-pee."

Marluxia: ...dear sweet Jesus, God above, you are fucking shitting me.
Axel: Whatever the hell I ate before bed today, I am going to burn it from now on.

"DON'T YOU DARE WOMAN!"

She started to clean Roxas' privet parts.

"There that wasn't so bad was it?"

Roxas had a blank look on his face.

Larxene: *Has a blank look on her face.*

Then Larxene slowly began to wash herself with a different hand cloth.

(Roxas had a full view of this.)

After five minutes of watching this along with a small noise bleed.

Vexen: *Examining Larxene from a safe distance.* I think she's broken.
Zexion: Lucky her. She can't read the fic anymore.

Larxene picked him up and went back into the changing rooms.

She puts on some pants

Larxene: Oh, THANK GOD.
Axel: Don't. If there was really a kind and merciful God, this thing would have been vaporised by now.
Marluxia: These things are sent to try us. If we manage to finish this, we'll be sitting at God's right hand when we go to heaven.
Zexion: What part of “God is dead” do you not understand?
Marluxia: The “dead” part, I should think.
Vexen: God is dead. Badfic killed him.

So Larxene dresses him and decides it's bedtime for Roxas.

"I go to bed at 10:30 you just can't-"

She squeezed his right shoulder and he was out like a light.

"Wow that really does work."

Axel: Larxene: kind of like Ty Lee, in a way.
Larxene: ... *Ever so slightly appeased.*

Chapter 9: List

Roxas wake the next day feeling like the room was spinning.

"Didn't I tell you he was cute when he's sleeping?"

"Ya your right!"

"Shhh! He's waking man!"

"…Who's there…?"

Axel, Demyx, and Xigbar were at the edges of the crib looking at him.

Zexion: Dear fanbrat. It wasn't cute when Edward Cullen did it and it's not cute in this case, either.
Vexen: Waking up to find Axel and Xigbar watching him? I'm amazed he didn't get an un-heart attack.

*Headwall, wall, wall, wall...*

Axel placed Roxas back into his highchair and tied him up.

Larxene: I didn't know you were into bondage, Axel.
Marluxia: Good to see you're back to normal, Larxene.
Axel: Nonononono. No. It's not even ephebophilia anymore right now.

Xigbar held a blue blow filled with yellow-orange mush in one hand and a plastic green spoon filled with mush in the other.

Vexen: Note the color of the spoon, people, this will be on the test.
[... *Shudder.*]

"Say 'ah' for Uncle Xigbar."

"No!"

"Don't like that! Look I'm eating it!"

He pretends to eat it but it wasn't fooling anyone.

Axel was getting mad that he didn't really feed him last time so he pushed Xigbar away.

"Out of the way Xigbar! Let me handle it. He loves me!"

Zexion: Yeees, I'm sure your friendship has not been harmed in the least after you forcibly turned him into a baby.

"NO I DON'T!"

Axel shoved the spoon into Roxas' mouth.

"Doesn't that taste yummy?"

Roxas paused for a second and goes:

"…Actually it dose taste pretty good… what's in it?"

Marluxia: Someone remind me what was in the last two things Roxas ate in this fic?
Vexen: The shrinking potion of illogic and volcanic rock.
Marluxia: Five munny says 'something that would lead to food poisoning in real life'.
Larxene: You're on.

Axel answered:

"It's turkey and sweet yams. Now say 'ah' for me Roxy poo!"

Larxene: YES! WIN! *Victory airpunch.*
Marluxia: *Grumbles, but hands over munny.*
Larxene: It's a shame to be taking your money like this. Really. *Not ashamed in the least.*

"Ah!"

He kept on eating the baby food.

For Axel this was a dream come true.

Xigbar and Demyx just stared at them with their mouths dropped.

Once the food was finally finish Demyx used his powers to clean blow.

Axel: Demyx: kindof like a dish washer, in a way.
Zexion: But he's being so useful for once!

"Hey what happen to the spoon you just had Axel?"

"…Ah…I don't know…"

It was his pocket because it toughed Roxas' lips.

Vexen: ...I feel the need to point out that this is where Axel officially graduated to 'stalker with a crush'.

"…Anyway…we have a lot of things to do on this list that Xenmas gave us."

Demyx: *Portals in.* Heeee's making a list, checking it twice! Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
Vexen: Here, let me save you the trouble. We'd all get coal if Santa ever came to visit.
Demyx: You're not getting into the spirit of things! *Leaves.*
Marluxia: *Pictures Vexen “getting into the spirit of things”.* ... *Snooort.*
Zexion: The only reason Even didn't get a visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future is because they couldn't find him in the lab.
Axel: Really? I thought they were chasing after Xemnas.
Zexion: They tried, but they gave up eight years ago.
Larxene: Now I'm just picturing you as Tiny Ti—shitthathurt! *Potion.*

There IS, in fact, a list, but it details what they have to put poor Roxas through today. So they park Roxas in front of the TV with a show about... dancing sock puppets teaching the alphabet. Yes.

"Oh dear God make it stop already!"

"Sworry Woxy wee wan't. Wou weed two wnow wour wlphwabat."

("Sorry Roxas we can't. You need to know your alphabet.")

Larxene: Seriously, author, we can understand that much. Unlike you, those of us on this side of the screen have working brains.
Vexen: ...how does he manage to pronounce a “w” instead of an “a” in “alphabet”?

"You can all burn in Hell for all that I care!"

While trying to escape from the highchair.

Then suddenly Roxas accidentally bit his tongue so hard that his words were complete gibberish.

"Splop pla TB!"

("Stop the TV!")

Marluxia: ...let the records show that I'm getting a very bad feeling about this.
Axel: *Looks ahead in the script.* *Picard-facepalm.*

Axel looked puzzled as he looked at Roxas.

He keeps staring at him until a thought came to mind.

"Aw! Look guys Roxas is finally getting into the spirit of babyhood!"

Others: *Follow Axel's example.*

Snip because frankly, I don't give a damn about them burping Roxas.

Demyx placed Roxas back in the highchair and looked at the list again.

"No we have to make sure his diaper is still clean."

Axel quickly undid the flap on Roxas' bottom and took a look inside.

"CRAP!"

Axel: *Still facepalming.* Insert smart-alecky quip about how you kindof expect that in a diaper. I don't even care anymore.
Larxene: Well, hey, as long as I'm still out of the picture. Nice of you to sacrifice yourself like that, buddy! *Smile.*
Anvil of Irony: *Am I a running joke or something?!*

"What?"

"…It's clean…"

Axel was so disappointed.

Vexen: Because he likes changing diapers for some reason?
Marluxia: Because changing Roxas' diaper gives him a chance to perv on him.
Vexen: I'll thank you not to speak of that again.

Xigbar looked around the room and saw a small palm tree that Marluxia just water not to long ago.

He walked over to the plant with a small evil smile on his face.

"…Ah…what are you doing Xigbar?"

He grabbed a more then a handful of really bad smelling manure

Zexion: As opposed to good-smelling manure? *HeadLexicon.*

and stuck it in Roxas' diaper.

"Axel didn't you just said Roxas' diaper was clean?"

"…Oh got ya…"

"TU GUIZE WRE AL BASTERTERDS!"

("You guys are all bastards!")

Larxene: In my professional opinion? Yes, we are. Even more so in the fic. Your point being?
Zexion: If the apologists show up, I am out of here and Lexaeus will spork the next part.

Not risking another changing Roxas bit Axel's shoulder and ran off.

Larxene: A-FUCKING-MEN.
Marluxia: How on earth do the words “Larxene” and “mother” manage to get in a hundred-mile radius of each other?
Larxene: Damned if I know. I am out of here. *Storms out.*
Zexion: Frankly, Eleven, at this point, I almost pity you. Almost.
Marluxia: Careful, Zexion, that was very nearly kind of you towards me. *Portals out after Larxene.*
Vexen: *Sigh.* That was amazingly painful, even though I'm not even in it. *Also out of here.*
Zexion: ...Axel, you're surprisingly quiet. Dare I ask what's going on in your head?
Axel: Screw you, Zexion. Just leave.
Zexion: *Shrug.* Very well, suit yourself. *Portals.*
Axel: ... *Grabs a copy of the script and a pen and scribbles on it.* Fucking time travel better help me out just this once... *Puts the script in Roxas' usual spot.*
Script: “Roxas, if you get this, for the love of god, just hide somewhere when it's time for this spork or Larxene will castrate you. – Axel.
Axel: *Portals out.*
As we leave the theatre, the script seems to fade for a second...
Roxas: *Picks up the script.* What's this? “December 7th, 2011”? Must be the new Baby Roxas thing. Wonder why they sent it over a month early, though... *Reads Axel's message.* *Flips through the script.* ... *Flees.*
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  • 28 comments
I am very curious to know how you achieve to cope with that thing to even spork it. </p>

I couldn't read the spork entirely since what is left of my brain burns so much. But from what I read, your work was lovely and smoothed the pain a lot.

Thank you and keep with the good work.

I strongly appreciate the sentiment that spared Roxas this pain. I've never been more humiliated on behalf of a fictional character.
YES, this came out the night before my last final of the semester. What incredible luck. Although it also came out the day after I had to get a new laptop, so maybe it's mixed. Anyway, it's great to see part 3.

I think you did great sporking. I didn't get the crossover picture though. I mean, I get it is a KH/Pokemon crossover picture, but I don't get the joke.

It was this part that made me think Larxene needed to spork this. I've always hoped there would be a badfic to terrible that it would Larxene's reaction would be to vomit or just plain break her. Maybe that's my inner sadist.

This part actually reminded me of that other badfic where she molested Roxas. Essentially she was doing the same here.

Oh, and you spelled unanimous wrong.
Sporking is pretty mixed-feelings-ish for sporkers too. On one hand, sporking os fun, but on the other, the fics are horrible and you have to read them at least once to think up jokes.

My headcanon says that the color-and-music type Heartless (like this one, whose name I forget) are made of metal. This is where Magnemite comes in. I... have no idea why I drew that anymore. XD

Oooh, just wait until "chapter" fifteen.
She pulled one of Xigbars' guns from her sleeve.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?"
She begins to cry.
"I WANT MY BABY BACK BUT THAT CAN'T HAPPEN CAN IT?"
Roxas was so scared he didn't say anything.
"SO YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY NEW BABY AND SET THINGS RIGHT!"

Larxene: WAITWHATTHEFUCK?!


Which one was that again? I remember it being horrible, but that's about all.

...I blame the centipede's dilemma for that. *Goes to fix.*
...I'd managed to FORGET ABOUT THAT ONE, GOSHDARNIT. *Headwall.*
Both the fic and the spork. I don't like that spork much, for some reason.
I am calm. I am very, very calm, and not in the least nauseated or in a homicidal fury. Really. Now please, excuse me while I- calmly- beat the author into a pulp with total calmness. Have I mentioned I'm absolutely calm recently?

... Fuck calmness, pass the booze. And the dynamite. And the cyanide. And the lighter fluid. Oh, and the shovel.

Del, this badfic is breaking my brain, possibly worse than Incubus AND HPK combined ever did. If you need any help sporking it, I'm here, as a certified sporker and someone who's actually read this atrocity all the way through. It needs to die, now. Preferably in an extremely violent fashion. *actually shaking with fury at how badly they're getting her absolute favourite character in the ENTIRE SERIES wrong*

... I will admit that the ending with time travel and Roxas gave me a little bit of my nonexistent faith in humanity back.
Just go somewhere private and scream for a while until you're calm. It's supposed to really work. Also, try a stress ball.

HPK? What's HPK?

Hey Myrrh, I resent the Ripper stuff to you through FF.net's PM system a couple weeks back. Did you get it? It's really a shame how your PM system here is messed up.
It doesn't. Mass murder of fanits, on the other hand...

Hydra. Penis. Kooshball.

Yeah, I did, thank you a lot! I'm waiting until I have a bit more free time (read: when finals are over) to check 'em out.
Sounds like a plan. I might join you.
A less bloody-murder-related plan to cool down: go download Osu, yoink a few songs you likie and start playing that. That helps me calm down.

...so PHK? Everyone calls it that instead of HPK. XD
Hey, I hear committing murder is a great bonding method...
*has been doing that. For the past three hours. It's not working*

Del, you speak my language, I don't NEED to translate for you. Also I'm going to kill you. Just saying now ^^
Of course it is! Why do you think Marluxia and Larxene are such close friends?
...um. Well, at least Osu! is a fun game to play? Hey, if we're ever online at the same time, we can do a versus-game. XD

...can my untimely demise wait until after we track down the person who wrote Baby Roxas and strangle him with his own innards? I can die a happy woman then.

myrrh_darkwing

5 years ago

Oh yeah, Immortality in Fickle Affection. One of the few sporks to go over the usual rating scale.

And I'm glad you finally got the links. Do you want me to give you that summary? I am on break from my classes currently so I have time.
Go over AND smash the bloody thing into tiny little quivering pieces... And you wonder why sporkers have no sanity left.

Sure why not?
I'm working on it right now. I actually found an online reference which is one of the best, so it'll be good and detailed. Do you want me to PM it through here or FF.net when I'm done?

myrrh_darkwing

5 years ago

reynard531

5 years ago

Something. I'm absolutely certain that this fic was something, but adjectives ellude me at the moment. I'm sure someone will think of something to help with that.
Lots of somes.

The spork, on the other hand, was top-quality, as always. I liked the jokes, and I enjoy the fact that Larxene was, in essence, a stand-in for us, the audience, who know and love her characterization and could not bear to see this done to it.

WHICH REMINDS ME, this fic is a prime example of a fanfic mainstay that irks me to no end; the idea that female characters can all be written the same way, simply on the basis that they are women. Take Larxene as a prime example of why this is terrible: The Larxene in the fic is a remorseful former mother, hiding behind a thin venir of evil to disguise the fact that she is just wants to be a mother again (and apparently any baby will do, even if it's not hers and not technically a baby at all). In canon, Larxene is a sadistic, selfish hedonist who uses sex and knives to further a cause that she seems to be supporting for giggles, and only shows remorse once in her entire performance (and that was remorse over not being able to stop Sora from cutting her to ribbons).
Can anyone spot the difference between these two characters?

Also, thank you for the reference. It shall be worked in.
The characterisation in this is lovely, innit?
Badfic seems to have all of three characterisations for girls. There's "generic good girl" and "Female Success Is Family" depending on age for characters we're meant to sympathise with and "Alpha Bitch" for characters we're meant to hate. If a character displayed the 'bitch'-persona in canon but the author wants her to be a good guy, enter the Freudian Excuse. That level of writing is about the same as mine when I was six.
Speaking of excuses, the one here just falls flat in so many ways. For one thing, women who lost a baby don't spontaneously turn into bitches to hide their pain. For another, why the hell would she have to? One through Seven are assholes and wouldn't care, but the rest of them would at least bear it in mind or something. Lastly, Larxene can't give a damn about Kyle anymore, she can just pretend really hard. This does not warrant the creepy babying of someone who is mentally fifteen years old and cursing like a sailor throughout the fic, nor does it justify Larxene suddenly deciding on a very, very creepy murder-suicide plan in chapter fifteen. (How they talk her out of it is another headwall-fest on its own, but I don't want to think about that more than I absolutely have to.)
Finally, the only official medium I know of that implies Larxene has hidden depths behind the sadism is the CoM manga (I think. Manga either way). When they were told that they had to complete Kingdom Hearts to get their hearts back, Larxene noted quietly that she doesn't mind not feeling because feelings hurt. This is (potentially) a good reason behind Larxene's characterisation. Her life was awful and she had to toughen out fast to survive. Surprise!Sadism for something she found out after she lost her heart and isn't even sure about is not a good reason.
[/Wall of Text]
...ergh. Thinking about this thing versus the actual canon is going to make it hurt so much more when I do spork the rest of it.

Hooray for recursive referencing!
Ughbuhuhu.
I do not know how you do.

This bad badfic is bad, in bad ways that are bad. With the random plot-device-manure-tree, and Axel's strange diaper fetish... Have they never played the games? Did they just pull names out of a hat and dish out ridiculously terrible characterization?

That is my only explanation.

Also, I spent a good minute or two trying to pronounce "wlphwabat". It came out sounding like some kind of ancient guttural hymn that would normally be chanted before offering up a human sacrifice.
I wonder if that's a coincidence...
This fic right here is why man invented brain bleach. I don't know how I'm going to live through it either. XD

A combination of both, I think. There is no logic whatsoever in who does what. (I'm still not over Xaldin tucking in a baby. I don't even want to remember the painting-with-Larxene.) It's just... so much fail. D:

If there's one thing badfic taught me, it's that there is no such thing as coincidence. The author is resorting to spells now to break our mind.
I know this comment is bordering super-late, but TVtropes for the win!

I love when you put references to tropes in your sporks, because every time I catch one it makes me feel so awesome. Also your sporks generally give me feelings of awesome when I'm done reading them.

Is that another troper I see?! :D

Catching references is the best thing about reading sporks. XD
Aw, shucks, you're making me blush. :p

Anonymous

January 14 2012, 03:29:45 UTC 5 years ago

Well, here I go again writing a long comment for a spork loooong after any reasonable expiration date, on a board that has officially moved elsewhere...
And I'm commenting anonymously.
*note: This is in no way related to the very real chance of me receiving death threats and/or anthrax should my identity ever be discovered.*

Okay. So I know, anyone reading this would most definitely want me dead. BUT
1. The sporking was nice as always and had me crack up at several points, however... Sorry to say this, but I liked your other sporkings better. Because

2. I really think that all this "ohmygosh-this-fic-made-my-brains-melt/worst-badfic-ever-ever-ever" thing is growing into some hype...
Srsly, just look at the comments without the spork, and tell me you all don't sound like total drama queens.

3. And now I'm gonna be the devils advocate for good.
Yeah I get it. This fic bad. and te gremmar literely made cri But apart from that...
What's your problem?
Yeah it IS about Roxas being turned into a baby, and being put through humiliating procedures nobody should be put through. *heh*
AND?

This is stuff from an existing fetish, that is actually far more common, than vore/guro/snake-vore/godonlyknowswhatshit.
And far less disgusting.
Yup, Roxas is wearing diapers. HoOoOooLy shit !!!11one!
You know:
a) He is not being raped throughout the entire fic. Not even once.
b) He may be alone with it, but he is IC.
c) He is not uke-ified. (Babyfied =/= uke-ified)
d) He is, in fact straight.
e) His body parts, and mostly his body fluids too, stay where they belong.
f) He is not getting off from being devoured by a fucking snake!
So ...dun-DUN-DUNNNNN...
it's not that bad.

4. For Ansem's sake, do NOT compare this to HPK!
HPK was a truly well crafted masterpiece of a trollfic, that should've been put as another world in "Those lacking spines". This however is a real fanfic.

5. Now I commit the unspeakable:
Give this fic a chance!
It may seem impossible, but trust me: it is not. If you do you will realize several things. Like for example, that a past like in this fic, would perfectly well explain Larxene's behavior.
As soon as you have managed to accept that, the storyline actually is a quite nice and acceptably well outlined one. (Don't get me wrong the story itself 's still horrible)
As for Larxene being naked with Roxas. Quit whining. Like if you hadn't read a bazillion fics where Roxas takes it in the butt...
And now try to think outside of badfic world for a bit. What would you consider less normal? A woman washing a guy/baby's penis, or same guy being fucked by a metric fuckton of others.

6. Also, as for the total mental retardation of the Nobodies, and especially "Alex": If you don't dismiss the entire fic as totally shit right at the beginning, you will find that Roxas having to cope with being surrounded by idiots is quite hilarious. The same is true for Axel the stalker. Just imagine that you place a totally straight Roxas into an AkuRoku setting, with the common nutsy semes+ukes...
Wouldn't that explain Axel's behavior quite well? ^^

7. I strongly appreciate the sentiment that spared Roxas this pain.
Well I don't.
I would've LOVED to see him sit through this.
...Why no, I'm not an evil sadist. *most evil Xigbar grin* >:D

8. A general comment. Fan-fic is never about the actual characters. Mostly not even about how people imagine the actual characters to be. It's just stories that are simple for fangirls to write, because you don't necessarily have to put up with characterization and graphic depiction of the characters. So RELAX.
CHILL.
Don't get yourself all worked up.
Take it easy.
You will survive it if someone has a disturbing view of your fav. character.
Don't panic, and always keep your towel with you.

AnonLurker out.
(LJ automatically makes anonymous comments invisible in case of spam. Visible-ised now. ^^)

Sorry to say this, but I liked your other sporkings better.
Actually, so do I, just for different reasons. XD Anyway.

Yeah it IS about Roxas being turned into a baby, and being put through humiliating procedures nobody should be put through. *heh*
AND?
[...]
So ...dun-DUN-DUNNNNN...
it's not that bad.

My problem with this one is the characterisation and the sheer amount of humiliation for Roxas and lack of common sense in anyone. Something doesn't need to have people eaten/raeped/unbirthed to be horribly bad. I'll get to the characterisation-bit in a minute.

A woman washing a guy/baby's penis, or same guy being fucked by a metric fuckton of others.
...depends on if it's safe, sane and consensual fucking.
It's not so much the washing-of-the-penis bit as much as this particular situation. You've got a woman pretending that a fifteen-year-old (ie. hormonal) boy is her long-lost baby and bathing him when Roxas is a) apparently still able to get turned on and b) not nearly close enough to Larxene to allow it if he could stop it. I'm not sure why, but that gives me the creeps. XD

Like for example, that a past like in this fic, would perfectly well explain Larxene's behavior.
If Larxene was just snappy at everyone, that would be explained. All-out sadism coupled with manipulativeness does not come from angst over a baby who might have survived (Larxene notes she doesn't know what happened).

Just imagine that you place a totally straight Roxas into an AkuRoku setting, with the common nutsy semes+ukes...
Wouldn't that explain Axel's behavior quite well? ^^

...not really, but holy crap that would be awesome. XD

Fan-fic is never about the actual characters. Mostly not even about how people imagine the actual characters to be. It's just stories that are simple for fangirls to write,
If they were just writing stories, they would do so without trying so hard to connect it to [insert canon here]. The whole point of writing fanfiction is the characters - either exploring their relationship and interaction with other characters or trying to write a different story with them within the actual canon. If the character I'm reading about bears no resemblance whatsoever to the character everyone knows from the actual canon, then you're not writing fanfic, you're writing original fiction with characters from [canon X] photoshopped in.

(moving on to the next post)

Anonymous

January 14 2012, 03:41:24 UTC 5 years ago

Oh and also... I'd almost forgotten
(totally not just because I exceeded the 4300 characters :P)

Your sporking is good. Whatamisaying ITS GREAT.
So please don't get me wrong.
I'm not the author of the badfic, or her fan or family.
And I most certainly don't want to put you down.
It's just, that the strong resentment against this fic overshadows everything else. Thus making it really less enjoyable than your others.
So please keep on sporking!^^

Finally, just for you to be able to put your efforts in context, and helping you determine the right amount of seriousness, when dealing with badfic:
The original creators of the Kingdom Hearts characters probably didn't put half as much work in them, their IC-ness, and continuity as you have.

Just remember a few things like
- The no-heart vs. real feelings inconsistency
(Because, YES they do have feelings, so apparently the nohearts=nofeelings bit was just for some additional drama and was totally forgotten about later on)
- The Roxas/Ventus loopholes and associated plotdevices
(lemme explain this to you through a story:
*a few years ago @ Square Enix HQ*
-So we have a problem. This' just in: Apparently "Roxas" was people's favorite character in KH2 according to survey results from the US and Japan.
--So? That seems like good news to me...
-But we had killed him off. Remember?
--Oh. Yeah right. But how's that a problem?
-How are we going to boost sale numbers if everybody's favorite character is dead?
--Hm. We have this agreement with Nintento for the next game, right? We could have that revolve around Roxas' backstory. At that place where he was... that... Organization.
-Yeah right, but the NDS release will only produce around 53% of the revenue of a full scale game. So that is only a small comfort.
--Let's wait till the next general meeting. We could simply tell the storyboard people and the creative supervisor of the 3D artists, that they won't get their annual bonuses if they don't come up with an equally popular character.
-It'd still be a pig in a poke. I'd bet Disney will want their share as soon as they find out about this survey. And the executive director will make us responsible if we don't have a clear action plan by the end of the week.
--We can't bring him back from the dead? "Alien"-style or something?
-No, he's already the remaining part of a dead person in a virtual world, after he killed his own virtually copied female version, only to die in order for his real self to be able to live. So I doubt the writers board would give in to such an idea.
--Hm. ... You know, I've been thinking. Fuck all this effort! Think cheap: Just Crtl-C Ctrl-V the 3D-model, hire the exact same voice actor, give the character a new name, and place him far away in space or time. I'm sure the creatives could even figure out some fine reason for the apparent similarity.
-You know... you... are ingenious.

And thus Ventus was born.)

Thx for listening
AnonLurker
It's just, that the strong resentment against this fic overshadows everything else. Thus making it really less enjoyable than your others.
...holy crap, how did you read my mind? XD Yeah, that's pretty much why I'm procastinating sporking the rest of the fic.

"The original creators of the Kingdom Hearts characters probably didn't put half as much work in them, their IC-ness, and continuity as you have."
I dunno. If you look at TV Tropes' Fridge Brilliance page and see how much details match up perfectly if you think about it, I think we can make a good case for them putting a lot of thought into it. The effort shows, too - if they just went "Ah, fuckit, they'll buy anything that has Square Enix slapped onto it", they wouldn't have gone through all the trouble to make it consistent, leading to a crappy game.

(Because, YES they do have feelings, so apparently the nohearts=nofeelings bit was just for some additional drama and was totally forgotten about later on)
The Lesser Nobodies don't show feelings at all, though, and the only Nobodies showing anything resembling affection to each other are Axel, Roxas and Xion. Roxas is very strongly implied to have Ven's heart (or what's left of it) and Xion is pretty much the same person as Roxas, so those two are excused. Axel, on the other hand, kills himself just because Roxas makes him feel like he's got actual emotions. If he genuinely did, he wouldn't have gone on a kamikaze mission.
Have you ever read The Violet Room? The writer theorizes that the mind is what determines what the body should feel and that the heart actually feels it. With that in mind, it's entirely possible that the Organization-Nobodies who "show emotion" are just pretending because it might gain them an edge when their opponent is distracted.

Just Crtl-C Ctrl-V the 3D-model
Which is why they gave Ven entirely new clothes, that armor and the Keyblade-vehicle thing, to triple their workload! Waitwhut?
BBS was foreshadowed as far back as KH2, before all the prequels/midquels (when Sora [I think] calls Xemnas "Xehanort", Xemnas snaps, because he's actually bodysnatched!Terra). This doesn't mean it's not incredibly lazy of them to copy the exact model for the body and face (even Sora and Vanitas got some subtle differences instead of being palette-swaps), but it's not completely out of nowhere, either.

I'm not going " ZOMG NOWAI SQUENIXWRITERS NEVER SCREW UP WTF", but I just think that these bits are just not the right bits to argue that they did.
I'm weirdly flattered that you spent all that time to write that for me, though. XD
Anyway, would you mind commenting on Dreamwidth next time? Thanks in advance!
Yours,
Anderling