Title: Baby Roxas.
Rating: Four Shadows. Rating-details are in part 1.
Special Possessions (if any): I'll be updating this one every chapter, looks like. A “blander”, volcanic rock pudding mix, “black shadow balls” implied to be the Dusks, Zexion kept the notebook from the last part, Demyx has hammerspace popcorn, Xaldin has a hammerspace camera, Marluxia has a hammerspace rose and Roxas now has... *deeeep breath* lots of baby toys, a crib in the corner of his room with a halo over it with sheep that “hanged” by the strings, new blue carpeting with big yellow stars and red hearts all over it, stuffed animals on the windowsill, a rocking chair and a diaper changing table with lots of drawers.
Sporking Crew: Axel, Roxas, Larxene, Demyx, Lexaeus and Zexion.
I Say/Notes: Baby Roxas: Part 2: Electric Boogaloo: THE PAIN CONTINUES. And dear lord, do we suffer. And by “we”, I mean “I”, since you cruel, heartless bastards are making me read this unsporked so you can have a good laugh. Well, SCREW YOU. *Is perhaps not entirely rational.*
Apologies for Fail!Fontsize. Stupid LJ.
PART UNE, or "Why Zexion Should Never Have Free Time, Ever".
PART DEUX, or "How Is Roxas Not Dead Yet?!".
PART TROIS, or "Larxene Gets A Wangsty Dark And Troubled Past".
Axel: ...what are you doing here?
Lexaeus: I haven't a clue. Last thing I remember, I was headed towards the labs.
Demyx: Uh, I think I remember, but you're not gonna like it.
Zexion: Well, get on with it. Why are you of all people here when we were waiting for Vexen and Marluxia?
Demyx: Uh, well, I'm pretty sure that I tripped over a vine that wasn't there two seconds ago and fell into a portal opened by Vexen.
Larxene: So... wait. Vexen and Marluxia seriously teamed up to get you and Lexaeus here instead of them?
Demyx: *Cringe.* I think so...
Roxas: ...I'm doomed, aren't I? *Sits, head in hands.*
Lexaeus: Am I the only one vividly remembering being terrified beyond measure?
Zexion: It's not just you.
They seat themselves, Axel deciding to sit next to Larxene, since getting brutally murdered by Roxas would be a minor setback.
Chapter 4: Worst Cooking Ever!
Roxas was strolled all around the cattle taking the long way to the dining room.
Lexaeus: You've got a pair of legs of your very own. You can walk, you know.
Zexion: Usually, this would be true, but babies can't walk, can they?
Demyx, Lexaeus: ...what?
Demyx: ...this is gonna suck.
Axel: No shit, Sherlock. What was your first clue?
Larxene: Someone remind me why we're not allowed to have booze for this spork?
Zexion: Because alcohol poisoning would be a merciful death.
Larxene: Right. Fucking Management.
All the way down Roxas was so embarrassed he covered his face with his hands.
Roxas: *So embarrassed he covered his face with his hands.*
"Well, we're almost there Roxas."
Roxas just sank into his chair.
Roxas: *Just sank into his chair.*
Axel: Stop agreeing with the badfic, it can't be good for you.
Roxas: And yet somehow I don't care right now.
Meanwhile Demyx and Marluxia was looking around in the kitchen for stuff to put in the blander so it can turn into mush just like real babies eat.
Lexaeus: -- is not something babies eat.
Said Marluxia while stumping his foot on the floor.
Demyx: *As Marluxia.* Flesh – of the servant – w-willingly given – you will – revive – your master. *Mimes cutting off his foot.*
So Demyx pulls some random stuff from the cupboards and throws it into the “blander”.
(Demyx didn't know this was a very bad combination.)
Marluxia just leaned back on the kitchen counter and whispered to himself:
"This will fun to watch later."
Larxene: Holy shit, did you just see that? A tiny little bit of IC!
Zexion: The score for this fic just went up a bit. It's at –4999 points now.
Axel: Except it's not really IC. Why would he do that if he couldn't somehow profit from it?
Larxene: Stuff it, Red. From this shitpile, we'll take what we can get.
Roxas: Step 1: Poison me. Step 2: ??? Step 3: PROFIT!
They're out of milk, too, so he decides on prune juice instead, because they somehow have a bowl of them lying around. Wait, what? Nothing good in the fridge but a random unexplained bowl of non-mouldy prunes? ...uh, sure.
Demyx poured the food into a blow with the number 13 written on the front and began to clean the blander with his water powers to make the prune juice.
Zexion: Mundane utility at its finest.
Demyx: *Shrug.* Why bother with washing it yourself when you can make it wash itself?
Larxene: You know, even when we're not killing stuff, our powers are so useful. I never have to worry about power outages, Marluxia always has flowers ready in case someone is being stubborn in getting him information and I'm pretty sure Lexaeus never comes back from Agrabah with sand in his boots.
Lexaeus: *Shrug.* It's true.
La dee da, Marluxia is being an asshole while Demyx feels bad about not getting Roxas strawberry shortcake or whatever.
Demyx pulled out a box of chocolate laccolites pudding mix.
Lexaeus: ...Zexion, please tell me you're pulling some sort of prank on me. Lie if you have to.
Roxas: *Wary.* ...do I want to know why?
Lexaeus: Laccolites are a kind of volcanic rock.
Larxene: Oooh, I'm telling the Superior on youuu!
Demyx: ...I'm a dead man walking, aren't I?...
Snip because I'm not dignifying this with sporking.
Just then the amusements went off.
Zexion: “Just then” would be somewhere around the third paragraph of the first chapter.
Axel: It crossed the line three times and it's still running.
Xenmas telling everyone lunch is going to be ready in five minutes.
Chapter 5: A Big Mess
Everyone was seated that the huge long white table with Roxas sat at the very end in a highchair that Axel made sure that he couldn't get out of.
Zexion: For which he will be the first to die.
Larxene: Yes, let's do that.
Lexaeus: I'm in favor.
Axel: *Outnumbered.* ...this is gonna suck.
Roxas: Nah, keep him.
Zexion: Why on Earth would we?
Axel: Roxas, buddy, thank y--
Roxas: Because then we can kill him when it gets really bad.
Axel: .........never mind.
So the food is carried out, and Roxas is rightly wary of his “special lunch”.
Xenmas was getting a little annoyed that Roxas wasn't eating.
"Hey Larxene since you're a girl and all can you feed Roxas his food?"
Barometric pressure: *Plummets.*
Demyx: HIT THE DECK!
All but Larxene: *Do so.*
Larxene: *MEGA VOLT.*
Pillar Of Lightning: *Sadly not very effective against Sporking Theatre screens.*
She gotten so mad she zapped Xenmas with her lighten bolts and burn him to ash.
Lexaeus: ...while the fic gets points for the sudden flah of IC on Larxene's part...
Larxene: Oh shit. Oh shit.
Demyx: *Attempt to calm her down in case he gets electrocuted otherwise.* It's not so bad...
Larxene: *Throws hands into the air.* Well, I'm dead now. Anyone got any last words for me to use? I didn't prepare any because I wasn't expecting to need them.
Axel: ...“I commend my soul to any god who can find it”?
Zexion: “O, I am slain!”?
Roxas: “Fly, you fools!”?
Demyx: “Keep running... keep running!”?
Lexaeus: “Go ahead, shoot me. Be a man”?
Demyx: “Oh, it's time for tea”?
Zexion: “Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, and don't have any kids yourself”?
Axel: “Boy oh boy, the price of freedom is steep”?
Larxene: Ooh, I like that last one.
Lexaeus: You would.
"You were saying?"
Demyx: *As Larxene.* Xemnas, from me to you, you're an asshole.
Axel: *As Xemnas.* Yeah? And you're a loud-mouth punk slag, who's about to die.
Demyx: *As Larxene.* Maybe. But in a minute I'll be dead, and you will always be an asshole.
"Lexaeus! You feed Roxas his meal while I chip off the dead skin from my body."
He disappeared into the shadows.
Larxene: ...I'm alive? Holy shit, I'm alive!
Lexaeus: The pod people are getting better and better at looking like us. Perhaps they will be ready for the invasion sooner than expected...
Lexaeus stood up and walk all the way down the long table to Roxas to feed him.
Zexion was about to notes on what's about to happen.
Zexion: If the notebook explodes, I'm leaving.
Axel: If the notebook explodes, I'm not stopping you.
Demyx: ...why would it explode?
Zexion: Don't ask.
"I'm not eating this!"
Roxas told Lexaeus in a rude way.
Lexaeus: *As self.* *Flexes biceps.*
Roxas: *As self.* ...on second thought, since it's you and all...
He scooped up a spoonful and kneeled down to Roxas' eye level.
"Here comes the choo-choo."
In a deep and dark voice.
Axel: *Imagines.* ...adding to the list of “Voices I wouldn't want reading bedtime stories to my kid”...
Lexaeus: *Suddenly self-conscious.*
He tried to feed Roxas but he just kept on dodging the spoon.
Zexion: I suppose it's a good thing Saïx gave him that Dodge Roll.
Meanwhile Axel was biting his napkin and pulling it from his teeth while crying that it wasn't his job to feed him.
Roxas: *Helpfully.* Like this!
Axel: ...I hate you. So much.
Demyx: Well, since he does make you feel li--
Axel: *Summons Chakrams.* Finish that sentence and you're a dead man.
Snip. The rest of the mush-stuff is forcibly shoved down Roxas' throat and the pudding, too.
Axel was now making a small scene on not feeding him like in his dreams.
Everyone around Axel scooted away from him a little.
Larxene: *As self.* Like, ohmygawd, you're a total girl! You've got cooties now! *Scooted away from Axel a little.*
Demyx: *As self.* Ohmygawd, NO WAY! He's got COOTIES?! Like, ohmygawd, those are, like, the number one cause of male death along with, like, pining after lost semes and stuff! I don't wanna, like, die! *Scooted away from Axel a little.*
Lexaeus: Axel is not exactly a credit to your gender, Larxene.
Larxene: It's a fanfic. Are girls in fanfic a credit to anyone's gender to begin with?
Lexaeus: You raise a valid point.
Lexaeus turned his head and said to Axel:
"Hey Axel if you stop making a scene I'll let you feed Roxas his ba-ba."
Roxas: MY WHAT?
Zexion: ...is there an echo in here?
Roxas shouted in surprised.
Axel jumped out of his chair, ran over as fast as he could to Lexaeus and snatched the baby bottle from him.
Snip-snip. Roxas is understandably not amused.
Finally Axel got it in his mouth.
Axel: You know, taken out of conte—oh god the fic is getting to me.
Roxas: *Sliiides to the other end of his seat.* It's okay, Axel. We can help.
Lexaeus: I suggest quarantine, both for your own safety and ours.
Zexion: It's too late, we're going to have to euthanise him. Larxene, if you would?
Larxene: Nah, waste of effort. *Sips soda.*
Demyx: *Gives up on trying to find his Stolen Thunder panel, relieved.*
Roxas swallowed about five gulps full until he grabs his stomach.
"Roxas are you ok?"
Roxas: Congratulations, you just poisoned me.
Axel: See, this is exactly why villains should not be trusted near kids.
Larxene: Oh, I'd be a great babysitter. Exercise, discipline and affection, right?
Demyx: I think that's for dogs, Larxene.
Larxene: *Contemplates for a second.* ...what's the difference?
Axel removed the bottle from his mouth and placed it on the table.
Zexion: *As self.* Oh bother, we killed the Keyblade-wielder. Say, does anyone know what happened to the blueprints for the Replica's?
Lexaeus: *As Vexen.* We can fix him. We have the technology!
Axel put him back in his highchair.
"…Something's happening to me…"
A loud thud sound came from Roxas.
Axel picked Roxas up by his armpits from the highchair.
"That's it you're going to your room…to…t…a…ke…a…na…p..."
He looks at Roxas' caboose for a second and saw something was wrong.
He pulled Roxas towards himself to open the flap from his bottom.
Suddenly a huge chucky lump felled form his one-piece just like it was a rock.
Roxas: Hey, did you hear that?
Larxene: Hear what?
Roxas: The last shreds of my dignity crying out in pain while they were brutally murdered.
Demyx: .........here, hold still. *Summons Sitar.* *THWACK.*
Axel: Saaay, that looks nice and non-brain-melting. Me next?
Demyx: *Carefully inspecting the Sitar for dents.* No way, your hair would impale it!
*Headwall, wall, wall, WALL, WALL...* Onwards they go to change Roxas' diaper.
Xenmas returned to the dining room.
He looked around.
"What did I missed?"
Lexaeus: There was a special delivery of braincells, common sense and canon, but we just missed it.
Zexion: Damn, and the post office is closed. Now we're going to have to wait until tomorrow for those.
Chapter 6: What Happen To All My Stuff?
Once they were Roxas' room Roxas was surprised to saw what happened to his room.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?"
Axel: *Glance at Roxas.* I'm getting the odd feeling that for the sake of my continued non-existence, I should be glad you knocked him out, Demyx.
It was now pink with lots of baby toys on the ground, a crib in the corner of the room with a halo over it with sheep that hanged by the strings, new blue carpeting with big yellow stars and red hearts all over it, stuffed animals on the windowsill, a rocking chair by same window, and finally and defiantly not least the diaper changing table with lots of drawers for this kind of thing.
Larxene: ...okay, who went out to buy all this crap and why wasn't I informed?
Axel: And here's me without my trusty blackmail-camera.
"IF YOU PUT ME ON THAT TABLE I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!"
Lexaeus: Frankly, if it ever gets to the point where we all act like this, I'd volunteer for death.
Axel just ignored Roxas and placed him on the table as the diaper made a wet mushy sound.
"THIS IS SO GROSS!"
Zexion: Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious.
Demyx: Meanwhile, I was making major scientific breakthroughs on the other end of the room, using my powers to determine that water may, in fact, have liquid properties.
Feeling uncomfortable about the messy diaper Roxas tried to get up but his diaper was way too big and heavy for his little baby body.
"Everybody huddle up!"
Demyx called to everybody.
"Now who will be the one to change Roxas' diaper? Cause I think Larxene should do it because she's a gir-"
[We are having technical difficulties. Please stand by...]
Larxene kicked Demyx in the balls and he felled over.
All but Larxene and Demyx: *Now huddled in the opposite end of the theatre from them.*
Larxene: That would be merciful compared to what I would have done in canon. Shitthathurt. *Rubbing her kunai-arm to ease the pain from overusing it.*
Demyx: *Is by this point in time a pile of bloodiness and death. We think. We can't find a big enough piece to determine that.*
Lexaeus: *Whisper.* Who's going to Phoenix Down Demyx?
Zexion: *Instantly.* Axel.
Axel: *Whisper.* Why ME?!
Zexion: *Whisper.* Because Larxene looks about ready to castrate someone. Better you than us, traitor.
Axel: *Veeeery slowly crawls up to where Demyx used to be up until thirty seconds ago.* *Phoenix Down's before running like hell back.*
Demyx: *Pops up.* OW! What the-- *Notes Larxene.*
Larxene: *Stabs a random puppy.*
Demyx: *Instantly sitting on the other side of Lexaeus.*
Lexaeus: *Designated buffer zone between Larxene and the others.*
"I hope your children's children feel that pain for the rest of their lives!"
Demyx: I think they might. *Chugs a Hi-Potion.*
Larxene: Don't flatter me. *Examining her stabbing-arm carefully for injuries.*
She turned to everyone else.
"You got a problem with that?"
With a mean look on her face.
All but Larxene: *Sudden panic.* NO!
Larxene: Damn straight.
Unsurprisingly, Axel volunteers to be the one to change Roxas' diaper.
Axel skipped over to Roxas and removed Roxas' clothes
Axel: It's like normal AkuRoku, but WRONGER.
Zexion: I'm in awe. I didn't know that was remotely possible.
while Larxene told Xigbar to hold Roxas down for this.
Roxas: *Small, strained voice.* Because otherwise all of you might end up with a face full of Keyblade.
Axel: You're awake?
Roxas: Kinda. Sorta. Ow. What happened?
Demyx: ...you know, I haven't a clue. *Innocent, he tells ya.*
Zexion: ... *Sigh.* Don't move, you might have head trauma. *Goes to examine him.*
Larxene gave him an evil smile.
"…You'll know you soon enough…"
"Hey I need some help over here!"
"…oh… that's why."
Larxene: ...hey, big guy.
Lexaeus: You mean me?
Larxene: Could you use your powers on the screen for me a few times to see if it skips this scene? I'd do it myself, but my stabbing-arm still hurts from Demyx, so...
Lexaeus: The “Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies”-tactic, you mean? I can try. *Attempts.*
Who'da thunk that would work? Everyone is staring – for SOME reason – as Roxas' diaper is being changed. ...this fic actually made me type that sentence. Ours is most definitely not a kind and loving God.
"Isn't that better Roxas?"
Axel said as he finished up.
"…I hate you all…"
Roxas: Holy crap, did you see that?!
Demyx: That, right there! IC! Glorious IC!
Zexion: It is beautiful. Pity it's not going to last...
Then they quickly put him back in his previous cloths.
Roxas' made a mad face.
"…Aw… I think somebody over due for a nappy poo!"
Axel: I'm thinking hibernation, so we'll sleep clean through this fic.
As Axel twinkled Roxas' nose.
"I DON'T NEED A NAP AXEL! I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME BACK MY FIFTH-YEAR-OLD BODY BACK!"
Lexaeus: Getting a five-year-old's body instead of his fifteen-year-old's would help why?
Larxene: The Dragon Ball Z Clause states that any transformation, no matter how stupid, makes the user much stronger.
Axel: Back with the author, he had this great idea for a plot line. It had monkeys and samurai, crazy stuff. Long story short: big chemical spill.
Axel wasn't listening.
"Xaldin care to do the honors?"
"Be glad to."
He summoned his wind powers and lifted Roxas up in the air into his crib
Larxene: Hey look, more mundane utility!
Demyx: *Sings.* Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock...
while the blanket wrapped him up so tight in was like wearing a straightjacket.
Axel: *As Roxas.* The mice are everywhere. But no-one else sees them. Only me. Singing. Dancing. Everywhere, mice.
Zexion: *As self.* For the love of all things unholy... You've stared into the very heart of the universe, unleached Darkness given living form upon the worlds, and you're unhinged by mice...?
Roxas: *As self.* *Whisper.* Schhh. You'll scare away the butterflies.
Demyx: *As Zexion.* I hope that's the sedatives talking, Roxas, or Darkness help me, it would be doing you a favour to leave you here.
Roxas: *As self.* They're sparkly.
Lexaeus: *As Zexion.* Right. Say, Roxas, what was that nice medicine they used to give you again? I think this might just be easier if you took a little nap.
Larxene: *As Roxas.* *Frown.* The laudanum? But that's no good, it's hallucinogenic. Then how would I know which are the real mice?
Lexaeus: *As Zexion.* Laudanum, got it. Be right back.
Roxas: *As self.* Don't step on the mice!
After that they all were leaving the room while Zexion told Roxas:
"We'll come back for you in an hour or so"
Demyx: *Sings.* And then that word grew louder and louder, 'til it was a battle cry... I'll come back when you call me, no need to say “Goodbye”...
He tripped over Demyx seeing that he's still on the floor.
Larxene: Naw shit. *Still nursing her hurt arm from Demyx.* *Mutters.* Vexen better be looking at this for free, damn him.
He grabbed Demyx by his hoody and dragged him into the shadows.
Axel: END OF CHAPTER! AAAAND HOW!
Lexaeus: *Rubbing his temples.* It remains a mystery to me why we lost our hearts but kept the ability to get headaches.
Roxas: I'm gonna go be Sora for a bit on the Islands. The fic is melting my brain... *Portals.*
Zexion: *Contemplative.* Say, does anyone know where Vexen and Marluxia are?
Larxene: ...I like that tone of voice. Do tell.
Zexion: Since they tricked Lexaeus and Demyx into sporking in their stead, they won't be up-to-date for the next part. Surely we can't let that happen? *Wicked grin.*
Larxene: It's times like this that make me wonder why we don't get along. I like this plan.
Demyx: They were headed towards the Grey Area when I saw them. I say we do this.
Axel: I'll talk to Saïx and distract him. You guys handle Vexen and Marluxia.
Lexaeus: *Face carefully blank.* All for their own good, obviously. No good going into a spork unprepared, after all.
All: *Portal out.*
This can only end in tears. TO BE CONTINUED... whenever I feel like torturing myself again. Next chapter: Larxene and the largest amount of character-rape I've ever seen in my life. Stay tuned!