anderling (anderling) wrote in heartless_fics,

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Why do I always seem to find the horrible badfics?

Title: WHAT! (The title says it all.)
Le Rusecue (Pretentious French is go!)
Rating:  Ansem. Flee while you can.
At first my rating was as follows: One Shadow each for the corpses of grammar, spelling and characterisation and one for mutilated Biology. One for FailPairing Is Fail, two for character-rape in more ways than one. Then I realised that makes 7 Shadows, so Ansem. Yay?...

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas, Larxene. (You heard me.)
Full Species(es):
...failed Replicas?
Hair Color (include adjectives):
presumed as canon.
Eye Color (include adjectives):
presumed as canon.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features:
None. I don't think my sanity would have survived that.
Special Possessions (if any):

Damned if I know.
Connections To Canon Characters:
Claim to be them.
Special Abilities:
Larxene getting knocked up hours (if that) after raping Roxas (!!!). A little piece of my soul died typing that.
Other Annoying Traits:
Besides pretty much everthing?

I Say/Notes:
If there's anything badfic has taught us, it's that Fandom Hearts can make a rapist out of almost anyone. Vexen suffers from this pretty often. However, here I thought that Larxene would be spared that fate...
At least the rape is non-graphic.
*Sob.* Whyyyyyy?...

[As usual, today's Spork is in the Sporking Theatre. However, it seems that the Forces that Be have selected a different theatre for today; the Theatre is smaller and looks relatively undamaged. Axel is already seated when a portal opens.]
Axel: Roxas!
Roxas: Axel. What's Management forcing us into today?
Axel: No idea, but I've got a very bad feeling about this. Notice how we're in a different theatre today?
Roxas: Yeah?
Axel: Larxene electrified the other one when she was confronted with the script before walking out of the theatre and Management decided it wasn't fit for sporking anymore.
Roxas: …
Axel: We're just waiting for the other sporker.
Roxas: *Sits down.* But I thought you just said Larxene walked out?
Axel: Yeah, but Management was originally planning on four sporkers. She's hiding somewhere after looking at the script too, but you and I both know that sooner or later, Management will hun t you down and drag you back in here.
Voice: Please, just let me go, I don't want to spork that!
Axel: Aaand here she is, now.
[The Theatre door opens and Xion is shoved inside. The door is shut tight after her.]
Xion: No, no, let me go – *Bangs on the door.*
Axel: It's no use trying that unless you're Larxene, so just sit down and spork so we can go.
Xion: But – but –
Roxas: ...someone tell me there wasn't a sequel to On My Own. Lie if you have to.
Xion: *Sits down.* No. It's... worse. It's... *Head in hands.* *Muffled words.*
Roxas: ...nevermind. I don't want to know. *Starts looking for barf bags preemptively.*
Axel: *Summons tequila preemptively.* *Swigs tequila.*

She pinned Roxas down on the floor and looked at his scared face.

"Larxene,please!" Roxas yelled at Larxene trying to free himself.

Axel: *SPITTAKE, drops tequila.*
Roxas: ...what?
Xion: ...I'm going to smash my head against the wall until I pass out. Maybe that will save me from this fic.
Axel: The MCP followed us here?!

"Shhh,it'll all be over soon,just be quiet,and it'll be over soon."

Axel: *Zira* Hush! Hush, my little one. You must be exhausted...
Xion: *Shudder!*
Demyx: *Ninja's in.* Und du hast gesagt, “Mach mich nicht an,” aber du warst durschaut.
Augen sagen mehr als Worte. Du brauchst mich doch, hmm? Alle wissen, da wir zusammen sind... *Ninja's out.*

Axel: *Hums.* Jeanny, quit living on dreams, Jeanny, life is not what it seems...
Roxas, Xion: *Stare.*
Axel: ...shut up. It's an awesome song.

She placed one finger on Roxas's kissed him on the cheek,then she slapped him across the streamed down his face."Stop crying!" she said in a commanding

Xion: I find it ironic that she's shouting at Roxas to stop crying when it's her fault in the first place.
Axel: *Larxene* Shut up and take your rape like a man!

she realized he would'nt stop crying

Roxas: Naw, really? I wonder why.
Xion: You're dripping sarcasm over the floor.

she wiped away his tears."Aw,did I hurt the baby boy?"

All: *Gobsmacked.*
Axel: ...this is worse than the AkuRoku fanfics.
Roxas: *Summons Oathkeeper and Oblivion.* This fic dies now. *Attacks screen.*
[We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by...]

[The screen flickers back to life again. However, Roxas did manage to skip some of the fic.]

she slapped him in the face scarring his face and leaving stood up,now was his chance,

Roxas: To kill the failed Replica, hunt down Vexen, beat him into a bloody pulp and find some brainbleach?
Xion: To get the hell out of there and find somewhere safe where not!Larxene can't find him?
Axel: To get Superior to turn Larxene into a Dusk and send Dusk!Larxene after Sora to get killed?

[RUN AWAY, ROXAS. RUN AWAY. Roxas manages to lock Larxene out of the room.]



as he said the words he heard a portal behind him,

Xion: But-- but... Why, fic? *Sob.*
Axel: I feel cheated out of a happy ending.
Roxas: You feel cheated?

he instantley turned around and was hit in the face by

Roxas: -- Riku, who then dragged me to the basement of the mysterious mansion in Twilight Town to reunite me with Sora. Right?
Axel: Wishful thinking can't defy badfic.
Roxas: Shut up and let me have my delusions.

fell down and before everything went dark, he heard a zipper go next morning,he awoke in his bed,his roommate was gone.

Xion: These are pod-people. Or bodysnatchers. Rapists either way. Not roommates.
Roxas: So, you're from Chicago? Have you ever seen the Cubs play?
Axel: *As Fic!Larxene* Yeah, they won. Oh, damn! No...

"Was it a dream?" he pondered aloud.

Xion: *as Roxas* I've been having... these weird thoughts lately. Like... is any of this for real – or not?

"Yeah,I wish." Larxene walked around the corner holding something.

Xion: Wanna do the “disturbance in the force”-thing again?
Roxas: Nah, I think we're good.

"What's that?" Roxas asked not really wanting to know.

Axel: *Demyx* RUN AWAYYYY.


Xion: *Larxene.* P-P-Professor McGonagall! Sh-She said I failed everything!
Roxas: Stupid teacher says I failed Sex Ed! Look who's laughing now!
Axel: *Larxene* Did you know I'm most compatible with Zac Efron? Like, ohmygawd he's SOOO hawt!
Portal: *Opens.*
Lightning: *Smites all.*
Portal: *Closes.*
Roxas: *Hands Hi-Potions.*

after hearing the word,he knew that it wasn't a dream."And uh..." she shook the test,it had a positive on it,

Axel: Why do they always get pregnant the first time?
Xion: Hold it. Time out. A pregnancy test does not work that way. Pregnancy tests don't offer conclusive results until 6 to 12 days after ovulation, not the morning after.
Roxas: know this, how?
Xion:'s called Wikipedia. I did some research after “Lune”.

Roxas fainted.

Axel: End of chapter, right? We're free to go, right? *Attempts to open portal.*
Portal: *Doesn't open.*
[Management decided that due to the chapter length, you will be sporking two chapters instead of one.]
All: NO.

Roxas awoke several hours later,

Roxas: -- in my room in the virtual Twilight Town where I was going to meet with Hayner, Pence and Olette. Right?
Xion: You might as well give up now.
Roxas: Maybe wishful thinking is going to work sometime.

he looke up and scanned the room,he looked at the clock,it read 11:30. "God,was I asleep that long,maybe it was a dream."

Roxas, Xion: *Hopeful.*
Axel: *Remembrance of hopeful.*

[Of course it's not a dream. Larxene starts to cry. Management deems this “karma”. PodPerson!Roxas, instead of running away or something, consoles her. wtf.]

"Because,I can't handle a baby right now!And...I just...don't want Xemnas to find out and..." she fell to the ground and started to cry. Roxas

Xion: -- ran as far away as he could while Xemnas turned her into a Dusk?
Axel: Fly, you fools!
Roxas: Now who's doing the wishful thinking?
Xion: Maybe if there are enough people to think it, it'll work. Kindof like the Doctor's powerup in season 3.

got up and sat next to her.

"There, there, it's alright,it's not that bad." he told her as he patted her back.

Axel: ...he was raped. He should not be sitting there patting her back, he should RUN AWAY.

"No,no it's not, I,i'm probably,i'm probably going to get killed by Xemnas."


"No,I don''t think Xemnas is THAT heartless."

Roxas: Would the apologists please stop writing right now, kthnxbai.

"Well,Well I guess." she said calming down."But don't tell anyone,I don't want people to think I'm a slut."

Xion: That should be the least of her worries right now. Below mundane things like “not letting anyone find out she raped Roxas” and “not getting turned into a Dusk”.
Roxas: Badfic. They're known to get their priorities effed up.

"Okay, won't,I promise." she hugged him,almost squeezing the life out of him.

Axel: Only almost? Damn, so close, too, he almost got out of the badfic...
Roxas: For once, we agree.

[Snip. Roxas spontaneously starts worrying he might have knocked up someone older than him. That sound you're hearing is Management's head smashing against the wall repeatedly.]

"How old are you!" Roxas yelled,immediatley covering his mouth afterward.

All: ...huh?

"Excuse me?"

"How old are you?"

Xion: ...this matters, why?

"Um...i'd prefer,you didn't know."

"HEY!You knocked me out and got yourself pregnant with me,the least you could do is tell me your age!"

Axel: Point. It's the least she could do, right after finding a coathanger or a long flight of stairs like the one from the KH2-opening.
Roxas: *Wince.*
Xion: *Close to tears.* Don't say that!



[...what. That... that's OUR job! Stay on YOUR side of the Fourth Wall, fic!]
Axel: The stage directions will shut up and let us snark.

"Wow,I got a girl older than me pregnant...damnit"

Roxas: Geeee. Ya think she's older than me?

"Yeah...what do you wanna do?"

"I dunno,it's 11:45,I guess go to bed."

Roxas: Since the whole rape-thing is kinda boring and I need my beauty sleep.

[Snip. It's morning. Roxas goes down for breakfast. Something happens, but for the life of me, I have no idea what.]

"What was up with that?" Axel whispered to Roxas.

Xion: *as Roxas* Oh, Larxene kindof raped me last night and got knocked up, so she's guilt-tripping me into staying with her. The usual.
Axel: *as self.* Oh, good! I was starting to get worried, but it sounds like you're fine!

"Nothing,nothing,she's just,um,happy to see me."

Axel: If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

"Sure,does she got something for you?"

"No,just shut up!" Roxas got up and threw his food away and went up the stairs.

Axel: Sheesh. Hormonal already? No, wait, this isn't Mpreg.
Roxas: *Ka-Keyblade.*
Xion: *Hands a Potion.*

He went to the "Anything" room as Roxas called it

Xion: As opposed to the “Whatever”-room?
Roxas: So then what's that room actually called?
Axel: It's the Deus Ex Machina Slash Plot Point Room because that's where all the exposition happens in badfics, but “Anything Room” sounded better.

and sat on a chair. Later Demyx came in,then Axel,Then Larxene came sat on the arm of the chair.


Axel: What kind of barefoot-and-pregnant wife would she be if she got her own chair, after all?
Xion: *Snarl.* *Ragnarok.*

Axel gave a wierd look to Roxas and Zexion came in the room,still reading the put his foot out,

Roxas: ...what does that even mean?
Xion: *Flipping through Fangirl-To-English: A Complete Guide To Fandom Hearts' Official Language.* Sorry, I got nothing.

once Zexion walked by,he fell down and he hit his nose.

"OW SUNNAVA BITCH!" Zexion screamed putting his hand on his laughed.

Roxas: Zexion would never say that.
Axel: Oooooh, the head bone's connected to the – wait.

"Quit laughing bitch!" she immediatley stood up.

Xion: Wait, who's saying what? This is all so confusing...

"Wow,she's even taller than him."

Axel: Actually, Zexion is an inch or two taller than Larxene, even if she does wear high heels.
Roxas: Who'da thunk?

"What did you just call me!"

"I'm sorry, did I stutter,here let me spell it for you B-I-T-C-H, BITCH!"

Xion: *Can't resist.* Got it memorised?
Axel: Hey, find your own catchphrase.

she grabbed onto him and threw him to the ground. He got up and pushed her away and ran off,she landed on got up and ran after ran over to Roxas.

Roxas: *Blanches.*
Xion: *Reads through the script.* No, no, I think it's safe.

"Dude,does she have the hots for you?"

"No!Leave me alone Axel."

Axel: *Sputters indignantly.* I do not talk like that! That sounds like Xigbar!

"Not until you tell me the truth!"

Roxas: *As self.* Okay, so Larxene kindof convinced me to help her and Marluxia conquer the Organization, but I'm trying to get him over to my side so we can kick her out of our schemes. Because, ew, girl cooties, you know.
Axel: *As self.* Okay, then! No need to be worried!

"I am telling you the truth!" Roxas pushed him and went up the that night,

Xion: Another room we haven't heard of. Figures.

he heard the door open,then close. Then Larxene sat on his was about to ask her why she was sitting there,

Xion: *As Larxene.* Do I dazzle you, Roxas?
Roxas: ...sparklepire!Larxene?
Axel: *DUCKS.*
Portal: *Opens.*
Lightning: *Equal-opportunity smite.*
Portal: *Closes.*
Axel: If she's not even here, why is she following the spork?!

but he could faintly here her decided to leave it was starting to doze off,when he felt her lying down next to him and covering herself turned over and put his arm over her.

"Goodnight,Larxene." he whispered in her ear.

Xion: Chapter's over! *Runs to the door and tugs at it.*
[Fine. But chapters three and four will be sporked soon, so be back in time for that.]
Xion: *Already gone.*
Roxas: Hey, Axel, race you to Twilight Town's ice cream store?
Axel: On your marks, get set --
Both: GO! *Portal out.*

Part deux!

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